Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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I’ve gone too far this time

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  • August 20, 2009 at 6:51 am #1180
    Liferuiner
    Participant

    Hello whomever is reading this,

    This month my life has taken a turn for the worst. I am a bisexual male, who has always prefered men over women.

    Halfway through last month, I joined a youth website called the ‘Gay Youth Corner’. You may or may not have heard of it – it’s a pretty neat site where you get to meet other people your age, in a safe enviroment. Well, I came into contact with another guy on there who lives the next town up, and we meet up. Basically, I lost my virginity to a guy i’d known for not even an hour. I’m a complete slut. But this is not the problem, please bear with me and don’t judge.

    That guy used me, just for one of sex, bla bla bla. Usual story of some naive teen who thinks that they stand a chance of being loved.

    Well, from there on, things have got worse.

    I recently went on holiday to Somerset (a popular place in the UK for camping). There, I met a girl (i’ll call her K). I only got speaking to her on the day we left, and she was amazing. I thought I had found someone, but didn’t know if she liked me back. She is everything I want in a person.

    However, I came back from camping 3 days earlier than her. So of course, when i got the time, i logged onto the gyc. I have gotten ‘friendly’ with a guy there to the point of him saying ”We will be together for eternity” and ”I’ve put on a promise ring for you”. Well, cutting out all the crap, this guy is American and live in New York (Plus our ages are quite different), but I completely love/loved him, and wanted it all to work out.

    Until K got back.

    Now, she lives roughly 5 hours drive away from me, so both people would have long distance relationships. And, well, as soon as she logged onto MSN, I have completely fallen for her.

    But I also love A (the guy), just not as much. But, I couldn’t tell him the truth about what was happening, because it would break his heart (He has self harmed in the past over bad relationships). I didn’t want to cause him pain, so I made up this pathetic big lie (Yes, i’m a lying moron. I don’t have the guts to tell the truth and hurt him even more), saying I have been banned from everything on the computer after a recent online bullying group forced a ‘friend’ into suicide.

    This was all a big lie. And it broke my heart to tell him it couldn’t work out.

    Then i blocked his msn, planning not to get in contact with him again. However, he made one of his friends add me, to see if I was online. And I was. I didn’t know this. He sent an email to me saying the following –

    ”Hey so ya, thanks for lying. I know you blocked me.

    Thanks for breaking my heart.

    A-”

    My stomach dropped when I read this, and I know i should have just left it, and not replied, but i had to. I couldn’t tleave him hanging on. So I went back on and had a go at him, even though he was right that i did! I carried on with the lie, asking if i’m the kind of person who would joke about their friend dying. I made him feel guilty.

    And he is now adamant that he will find me. He is coming over here to study in a few months, and i’m so scared he’ll find out where I live. And that he’ll find out about me and K.

    She is my world – my everything. We mean the world to each other. I like the way she is, and she likes the way that I am (She knows i’m bisexual, and she’s fine with it).

    I just know i’ve gone too far and shouldn’t EVER go for people I meet online again. But he has commited himself, and doesn’t know i’m living a big lie. And that he is adamant he’ll find me when he comes over here to study.

    I have no choice but to lie to him now. Telling him the truth would put his health on the line, and I don’t want him to something stupid. (I have only known him for 4 days, but he is so committed it is unbelievable).

    I’m worried, I had a panic attack last night about this, and I don’t know what to do. I just wish I never got into this mess.

    Thank you if you can help me,

    LifeRuiner.

    [b]ADDITIONAL DETAILS[/b]
    I am not out as bisexual to my parents
    I love K so much
    Bbut i also love A
    Just not as much
    I’m a manslut.

    August 20, 2009 at 12:10 pm #9730
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    There is only one thing you have to do to straighten out all this drama: Stop lying.

    People lie because they are afraid of something. It’s much better for everyone if you can find some strength to face what you’re afraid of and tell the truth. The lie is only going to bring you a temporary sense of relief. After a while that lie you told will bring on way more pain and suffering than if you had told the truth in the first place. In addition, one lie often leads to another and another, as you know. And that means a life of misery.

    People lie because they are afraid of feeling bad. They don’t want to feel rejected or passed over. It’s easier to lie online because the people you meet online only know what let them know. It’s different than meeting people at school, the workplace or a mutual friend’s home or party, or even a neighborhood coffee shop. I know you want these people that you’re meeting online to like you, but eventually, they’re going to find out the truth about all the lies you’re telling them, and you’re going to develop a reputation. You’re going to be avoided at best, and considered someone to avoid at all costs, at worst. This [i]will[/i] catch up with you, and there will be no lies left to tell that anyone who knows you or knows of you is going to believe.

    The good news is that you have a conscience. Your heart is in the right place, otherwise you wouldn’t feel so guilty. Now you have to roll up your sleeves and do the work that you deserve to do in order to not feel like you’re a life ruiner. Tell the truth and face the music. Start with small truths. Be hyper aware of when you’re not telling the truth. In fact, bend over backwards to tell the truth at first. Make sure you mention to any potential love interest that you’re bi-sexual. Don’t lie about your age. Don’t tell someone you love them if you don’t — even if they say it first, and expect to hear it back. Be super honest.

    The worst thing that will happen is that you’ll upset some people and be rejected. It’s important to learn who your real friends and lovers are, and rejection is a part of life that helps us all figure out who wants us, who we want, and who we’re compatible with. Everyone gets rejected, but you can’t be everything to everyone — and that’s the truth! You’re not always going to feel loved or appreciated, but if you tell the truth and are able to hear it, you’ll be a lot more attractive to people than if you lie.

    August 20, 2009 at 12:20 pm #9744
    Liferuiner
    Participant

    Thank you so much for the reply, April <3

    This is going to be so hard. By lying i’ve only dug myself deeper into the ground, huh?

    Problem is, this is going to break his heart. I don’t want to be the cause of his hurting himself even more, or worse, killing himself.. i’m scared.

    But i’ll tell him. I’ll send him an email – I wouldn’t be able to cope with it on MSN. I have alot to admit to, and he’ll probably hate me from now on, but it’s the truth that matters at the end of the day.

    Thank you so much for replying, April.. if I didn’t stumble opon this website, I probably would have continued living a lie, and things would have gotten way out of hand..

    Best wishes,

    Lewis <3

    August 20, 2009 at 12:49 pm #9923
    Liferuiner
    Participant

    Just to let u know, I sent the email – here is a copy of it.

    To Alex,

    I have had to prepare myself so much to say this. I am so afraid, but I don’t want to live a life of guilt and misery for the rest of my life. I may sound selfish by saying that, but believe me, i’ve got the best intentions in my mind, in my heart. This email may break your heart – i’m so sorry if it does. Mine is broken aswell. I’m in so much mental pain writing this for you.

    I have been living a lie, Alex. I lied because I was afraid of feeling bad (even though I feel so much worse than what I originally would have felt). I didn’t want to feel rejected as your friend, though now I look, you would never have done that. It is much easier to lie online that to people you know in real life, because you only tell the person as much as what you want to.

    At worst sitation after reading this, you will probably hate me and never speak to me again. That would hurt alot, but it’s what I deserve for being such a cunt. The lie I have told would catch up with me at the end of the day, and if I don’t tell the truth now, then there is certainly no chance you’ll ever trust me again (though you probably wont, anyways).

    It has been on my conscience so much, this lie I have told. It tears me apart, it really does. But at the end of the day, I have to face the music and confront these lies head on. I have made such a mess, and I know it. It has caused people so much pain. I’m such a prick.

    I will bend over backwards to let you know that i’ll never lie like this ever again. I promise you that (though, im not good with promises, am i? im truthful about this one) I wont lie to you ever again. Never.

    I believe it is important for you to see who your real friends are. Friends mean everything to me, and you. I want to let you know, i’m not a good friend. In fact, I am a TERRIBLE friend. I’ve lied to you.. and.. ugh, it’s just i’m a terrible friend.

    The truth is, Alex, (this is so hard to type this), is my friend did not die. My mum and dad have not gone lockdown on me. I didn’t delete every account on the net i have. I’ve lied.

    My mind is fucked up, so much. I’ve broke your heart, made you feel guilty last night, and made everything so much worse, when in fact I should have told the truth. I’m tired of this lie i’m living, Alex. I want you to know how much of a prick I really am.

    As you said in your own words, nobody’s perfect. I know that. I’m a deceitful liar.

    II should have let you know from day one that my heart is with a girl.. her name is Kayleigh, and she means everything to me. As I said, my mind is fucked, and some twisted part of me thought it would have been alright to mess around with YOU. I am so sorry, Alex, that I did this. You’re such a great guy.. I should have never lead you on.

    The truth is, I DO love you, but it would never work out, Alex.

    (This is VERY complicated and emotional for me to write, and perhaps even more for you to read).

    We could never be, Alex. The moment I realised how much shit I was getting into was when you replied to when i said ”i love you”. When you replied back, I noticed how much I had got myself into. So I lied to cover it up. I lied, and dug myself a deeper hole.. and that is all my fault. I’ve broken your heart, and I see that. You don’t realise what I would do to take myself back to the beginning of this week. To correct everything. But then I wouldn’t have met a wonderful guy like you.

    (I just got your email, i’m crying now >_<)

    So, I just wanted to tell you the truth. I’ll be online from now onwards, so when you come on, PLEASE say something to me. Tell me how disgusted you are in me. Make me feel even guiltier than what I already am. Please Alex, I deserve it.

    You don’t deserve any of the shit that i’ve put you through – that is NOT a lie. And I know that one day, a VERY lucky guy will have you. Your personality is brilliant, Alex, one of the best ones i’ve ever come across.

    Anyhow, I hope you understand how sorry I am. And please, don’t do anything to hurt yourself. It wont make things better.

    I’m going to go and tell Kayleigh now. Everyone deserves to know what is going on.

    I hope you have a great first day at college. And please don’t blame yourself for this, like you may do. It’s all my fault, like I said last night.

    I hope the option of meeting up when you come to the UK is still open – I’m better with apologies face to face, and you deserve more than just an email.

    Best wishes,

    Lewis x

    I am truthful about wanting to meet up with him when he comes over. He deserves an apology face to face, rather than over email.

    Thanks again April,

    Lewis <3

    August 20, 2009 at 1:49 pm #9739
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Good for you. You’ve taken a first step towards living a changed life of being truthful. I wanted to tell you that if you are truly concerned that your friend may hurt or kill himself, whether the catalyst for that action is your e-mail or something else, you have an obligation to notify the police or a hospital emergency phone number. It would be wrong for you to think you can help someone with a problem like suicide or self harming like cutting or drug abuse. Those kinds of problems need to be handled by professionals, so be responsible, and notify someone trained to handle suicide or self harm if you think your friend is in any danger.

    Now, be prepared for Alex to reject you and cut you off completely. Sorry — I know that’s not what you want to hear, but that’s a possibility I want you to be prepared for. When you apologize to someone, as you have, the person you apologize to is under no obligation to continue to include you in their life. And that’s just the way it goes. You have to be big enough to accept the consequences of your actions, learn from them, adjust your behavior, and move on as you build your character, and your relationships.

    Good luck!

    August 20, 2009 at 1:55 pm #9948
    Liferuiner
    Participant

    Sorry for replying yet again.. i just thought you may want to know how it went..

    It went great. He was peed off at first, but now we have spoken about it, he’s accepted it. We’re going to meet up when he comes over here to study, so we can talk about it face to face!

    Thank you so much April, without you this wouldn’t have been possible!

    You’re going on my recommended list, lol 🙂

    Thank you so much,

    Lewis x

    January 9, 2016 at 11:33 pm #31593
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

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