hi my story

First of all, congratulations on going back to school after you dropped out with a broken heart. Everyone goes through hard times, but what they do after a hard time or a mistake or a crisis, is much more telling about their character than what the crisis or heartbreak delivered. So, I’m glad you found your footing again, and have one more year to complete your doctorate.

Now, the problem is that no matter how much formal education you have, you can still flunk dating! 😆 Believe me, even PhDs and other professional people come to me with similar dating and relationship problems. Love and relationships cross every socio-economic border, so don’t think that just because someone is a professional, they know what they’re doing when it comes to relationships! And….you’re in the right place.

Your brother is right that it’s good to be independent, but you can be independent and still have a successful marriage. Lots of women do it. So, let’s see if we can’t help you do it, too! 🙂

To be truly independent, and to value yourself, you have to be clear about what you want. Then, once you know what you want, you have to be responsible for executing that desire. If you want a blonde more than anything, don’t date a brunette just because he asked you out. If you want to marry a flashy entrepreneur, don’t date a garage mechanic just because he asked you. So, have your goals in dating, and respect them!

You sound very clear that you don’t want to move back to Iran to live. So, what’s keeping you from honoring that value? That’s really what your question here is about. You know what you want, but this guy is not offering it. And still, you can’t quite let go.

I think you’ve got a deal breaker on your hands, only I’m surmising you’re so anxious to get married that you’re willing to gamble on the wrong guy with the wrong life plan, just to get an Mrs degree, which obviously isn’t something you can get independently! 😉

You need to start valuing yourself when it comes to men. You could be a wonderful partner and wife to many, many men — who want the same things in life that you do — but you have to find them. If you choose men who are incompatible with you (and it sounds like you two are now incompatible because of your disagreement on what country to live in), then you are going to waste your time. Again. 🙁 You have to be able to find “No” in your vocabulary, and if a man isn’t compatible with you, then honor yourself (and him!) and stop dating him. You’re wasting your time, and his.

Dating smart means playing the field until you feel committed to someone. You have to date lots of men to find the one who is compatible with you, and you need to use the dating process to learn who you are, and who your date is, and discern whether or not the two of you are a compatible match. I have a feeling you haven’t been dating smart up to now, in spite of all your education. 😉

My advice with this current boyfriend is that you’ll have to let him go and start dating other people because he’s adamant about living in a country you don’t want to live in. Don’t waste any more of your time — especially since you admit a history of wasting your time with men who end up being Mr. Wrong times 4!

When you’re dating, if you feel like someone isn’t compatible with you, end the relationship. Rejection is really everyone’s friend because it means someone in the relationship has realized there is no future together, and is stopping the clock from wasting either of your time.

I hope this helps. Please let me know how things go.

Not good enough. That you’re hanging on to this guy because he says he doesn’t want to live in the country you do, permanently — but that [i]he may change his mind[/i] — is not good enough for a woman like you — that is, one with self esteem and value. 🙂 He’s trying to dangle a carrot in front of you to keep you in the game, and it’s been working, but I’m here to tell you that a carrot is just not good enough!

Picture this scenario. You marry this guy because “he may change his mind” about this deal breaker — living in America — and you have a couple of children. You go back to Iran for a visit — where he begins divorce proceedings. You’re trapped, as are your children. Or….you marry this guy for the same reason, and you stay here, but he decides that he wants to divorce because he’d rather go back to Iran. Now, you’re divorced, knowing that this had been a possibility before you even married the guy. The American courts here possibly give your husband visitation for the summer with the kids, with permission for him to take them to visit grandparents and aunts and uncles in Iran. Worse case is that he petitions the court in Iran for full custody of the children so they live with him. Or he doesn’t do anything nefarious, but your children, who love their father, come to love Iran, and they move there because they want to be with their father and his family. Or you re-marry and the kids hate your new husband (or boyfriend) and they want to go live with their father in Iran.

I know this is a lot of forward thinking, but that’s what dating is really for: to see if this man is someone you want a future with.

Now, as for your concern that you won’t find anyone else, it’s just not so. If you want someone who is Iranian, educated and kind with good character, who is okay with no pre-marital sex, then you should start making yourself available in areas where you will find this kind of man. Big cities that have good mixes of ethnicities will no doubt have Iranian enclaves. Join organizations and groups with Iranian causes or traditions as their motives. Join a religious center that supports Iranian culture. In other words, if you want an Iranian man, don’t go to Sweden to look for one! (Although for all I know, there may be an Iranian community in Sweden, and if there is — THAT’S where you should be if you happen to live in Sweden!)

I hope that helps! Let me know how things go.

Sorry for the horror scenarios, but you really have to protect yourself — [i]while[/i] at the same time, balancing protection with putting yourself out there and making yourself available to men who may be Mr. Right. 🙂