Confusion

Dear April,

You have already answered to a previous topic of mine (‘Confusion’ , unfortunately I couldn’t associate it with this one as when I submitted it I didnt have a profile yet). My story was about an existing real affair that is fine and on-line ‘fantasy’ affaire.

I read your reply and I think you are absolutely right in saying that the problem is with me. So, at this moment I believe that in my mind I have totally ruled-out the on-line person, never intending to seek communication with him again – and I feel that I mean it very much so this time.

Which brings me to the, I think, true issue in my case, my real affaire. You correctly mentioned that I didn’t give too much detail, and, going back into my post I can see that there are issues I left out, making it seem a little bit too good. Anyway, I am in my mid-thirties, have been in this relationship with that person from my work for seven years now; we have the same age. Since the beggining of our affair, he was always very committed and wanted to live together etc, but didnt plan to get married – as he was explaining to me, he had an ‘ethical’ issue with marriage, didnt believe in it etc. and he didnt see what this would add to our life together. I never faced him directly to say that I wish to get married, I was simply letting things go by (which unfortunately I tend to do in my life). After the third year of our relationship, this resulted into a few unhappy occasions when we actually had arguments over this in front of friends who were asking what our plans are, arguments from which we would get over within the next day, but I think were hurting me a lot, without even realising it at the time.

At some point, on the fifth year of our relationship, my online fantasy affair with the other guy begun; my boyfriend realised sth was wrong with me, so he proposed to get married; and then I said I am not sure and we’ ll see. So, another two years went by, me getting more and more lost inside the non-existing online thing and my boyfriend never pushing me with any decisons etc.

In parallel, at work I have not been very happy for a long time either – but, I have a high position that doesnt allow me to find sth else easily. Anyway, some time ago I received a very interesting, I’ d say exciting job offer from abroad. My boyfriend could come if he wanted, since our company has a branch there. He knows how unhappy I am at my current professional situation, and he was very encouraging when I had the first interviews with the company abroad, but since the moment I got the job, he has been trying to discourage me indirectly.
So, the plan at the moment is that I will go and he will follow after a few months…

Now, I have come to a point of realising that I have done too many false move in the past years, mainly due to my indecision and lack of determination to say or do things I feel, for fear of hurting others or hurting myself.
And the thought that crosses my mind is: should I end this relationship now, even before moving? Why keep this for another six months and then find out he or me dont want to do this together? Why not try to find sth new that will be free from all this past?

And, on the other hand, I love him very much, I know that he also loves me very much, he is a kind, intelligent, decent man whom I find very attractive and fun to be with.

I generally consider myself a very logical person but as far as sentiments go, I feel that I am never able to make my own mind, always let things just flow and let the decisions be made by others, or by external conditions, and not by me.

Many thanks for your advice, it will be most helpful!