Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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I don’t know what to do.

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  • March 26, 2010 at 1:51 pm #2165
    Forte
    Participant

    Hello April, I am a seventeen year old man dating a twenty-four year old woman, who I have been with for 1 year and 5 months. Our relationship has been great until recently, when she began to ‘resent our relationship.’ I’m currently finishing high school online, and working a full-time job — which lately I haven’t been getting too many hours lately. The reason our relationship is falling apart is because she feels that I need to move back in with my father until I finish high school, and get a car; basically getting my life straightened out until we can think about having a future together. Although I had come to terms with this, a recent conversation led me to come crashing down even lower than I was before. I was under the impression that we were going to live separately and not depend upon each other, but still hang out and maintain a relationship until we could move in our own place (we’ve been living at her parent’s house). But now, she want to completely break it off until I get my life straightened out, although she still wants to hang out, I suppose she doesn’t want to be a part of a relationship. For some reason, she feels that kissing, and still being romantically involved with each other is only going to make things more difficult for our situation, whereas I disagree entirely, and believe it will only stress things. I keep having all these mixed feelings, and I get the odd suspicion that she has her eyes set on someone else, even though she is claims she doesn’t. She claims that she isn’t going to move on in her life without me, she just wants to see me succeed in my current situation without her help. Although I agree with that, it scares me that we will not longer be romantically involved with each other. What should I do, April? I’m in desperate need for advice.

    Edit: Whenever I tell her I love her, I use the phrase ‘I love you,’ which holds more meaning to me. Her reply, after a long pause, would be a quick ‘love you,’ which to me — holds no meaning whatsoever. I’m confused, does she actually love me? She keeps telling me that it makes it hard on her to respond, or to hear me tell her that I love her, but to me that makes no sense. I love her, and that is the truth, so no matter what — I’ll always tell her that I do love her. Shouldn’t it be the same way? I feel as if the relationship is becoming more one-sided.

    March 29, 2010 at 12:45 pm #10948
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    You’re right — the relationship is becoming more one sided, and she’s letting you down gently. Make no mistake here: she’s dumping you. And here’s the part where you’re going to have to buckle up for my advice:

    She has no business dating a 17 year old minor child (sorry, but legally, that’s what you are), when she’s a 24 year old adult, and while she says she wants YOU to get your life together, the reality is that she’s the one who’s life is a mess. What 24 year old lives with their parents? 😯 And brings their 17 year old boyfriend 😕 to live in the house with them all? That’s one really sick situation. [i]Of course[/i] she wants you to get a car — she wants a man for a boyfriend, not a teenager. Don’t take that personally — most 24 year old women want to date men who’ve graduated high school, maybe even college, and have a car and a home of their own. And you will have all that, too, when you’re her age. This is a simple math problem. You’re not compatible ages, and it’s extremely rare for a 17 year old to have the life experience that a normal 24 year old wants in a partner or a date. You may have been a novelty and I’m sure you have wonderful qualities, but she’s finally woken up, smelled the coffee and realized there’s more for her out there (as there is for you, too). She’s not returning your “I love you,” pronouncements because she doesn’t love you any more. She realizes she’s made a mistake, her own life is a bit of a mess, and she has to get herself together for her and her alone.

    You, however, have a lot going for you, but you seem to be lacking parental guidance. That said, since you ARE almost an adult, and you seem to be bent on finishing high school online and working a job, you can do this no matter what your resources, but you have to be creative — which I know you can be. 🙂

    Move out of her parents house today — go live with your own parents, a step-parent, a relative — anyone who can act as a legal guardian until you’re chronologically legal and financially stable. Finish school, focus on work, start working out at the YMCA, running the park, doing physical exercise to take your mind off of the break up you’re about to have, and if your heart is still breaking, I want you to go spend volunteer hours with cancer patients, homeless people or a political group that you think will make the world a better place. You need to get out of your own head if you’re hurting to the point of paralysis, and get out in the rest of the world to see that you have a lot of assets and you’re lucky to be healthy and young and on a good path (once you break up with your misguided cougar).

    I hoe this helps you figure out what to do — let me know how things go.

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