im so torn, PLEASE HELP!

I really dont know where to start, I feel so mixed up at the moment. Im torn between two men, and that sounds shocking I know. I will start with I will call him ben for this. He was my first love, we were together for 12 years with a brake of 2 years inbetween that when he ended it and broke my heart, however in the end I needed that, i spent some time doing what young people do, enjoying time with friends and i gained a lot of confidence. Ben was never fully out of my life during this point, we saw each other few times a week as friends and eventually realised we couldnt live without each other. Ben is a hard working really decent moral intact bloke and did everything for me. I lived a good lifestyle and no money worries. As the years went we had a daughter, he was workin away constantly, I felt very alone at times. No passion between us, in fact I started to cringe at the thought of sleeping with him, even though i loved him, its hard to explain. I think i realised I wsnt inlove with him anymore but I loved him deeply as he’d been such a huge part of my life for so long. so this leads to what happened. I ended things with ben, at the time I felt like I was living someone else’s life, I used to ly at night thinking how can I get out of this and not wanting to break Bens heart I stuck it for so long and tried to pretend. In the end I couldnt. I met someone, call him Mat, I was blown away….at first we were crazy for each other, he’s exciting, makes me laugh, fun loving, the passion unreal. Cracks started to appear, he is younger than me, by the way im 29, ben the laid back hard working sensible bloke is 32 ( didnt really light my lights but was my best friend and security blankett and I will always love him) and mat who comes from a total different background and lights my lights a lot more is 25. As the months went on our relationship became so unhealthy. we both acting in jealous and distructful ways towards each other, I really dont recognise myself anymore, Ive never felt so insecure with someone! There was a message I found which he’d sent to his ex girlfriend when we’d been together a few months, it was a bit over the top as in telling her what he’d been up to in the army and called her darling etc no mention of having a new girlfrind etc,and he missed her. Ok so he’s younger than me, very intellectual, well educated, spoilt by parents and lacks direction in life. My ex ben has never moved on, he makes it clear he will always be there for me, and even after all he’s been through I know I could turn to him. I have no family, my friends tell me Ben would always look out for me, we have a child together etc. I love him but there is no flame and with MAt, I have heard so many false promises that im losing patience. im so confused???? do I wait for Mat to grow up and guide him best I can, or do I try again with Ben who adores me and is so selfless and who I miss and love but doesnt light my lights in that way. Or should I be on my own??