[April Masini, your AskApril]

Instead of messaging, call her on the phone. Women love the sound of a man’s voice, and you can have better communication in real time on a phone call than you’d have with a silent, back-and-forth timed text. Besides, texts are usually for more casual, throw-away messaging. A phone call indicates a higher level of importance. It lets her know you want to talk to her and you want to hear what she has to say. 😉

Once you get her on the phone, invite her out on a date — and leave out any apologizing or mention of her possible hook up. The mention of these things won’t take the phone call in a good direction and they’re fodder for miscommunication. You want to keep things positive and upbeat, so keep the conversation simple and keep the focus clear by letting her know you’re so glad to talk to her and you’d really like to get to know her better. Invite her to do something special — whether it’s a nice dinner, or an interesting concert or picnic at the beach or after a hike. Whatever the date is, make it clear to her that you’re inviting her on a date. Not to hang out or to chill, but on a real date because you really like her and she’s important to you. This date invitation leaves little room for miscommunication or those “does he like me”/”does she like me” wonders that texting and hanging out invites seem to foster. If she says yes to your invitation, she likes you. If you ask for a date, she can assume you like her, too. Don’t fear rejection. It doesn’t sound like you’ll get it, plus, if, on the off chance you do, you’ve wasted very little time and and you can move on. But I think she’ll say yes. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you wrote that you’re 18 and your boyfriend is 21 and that you’re engaged to be married in a year, and you’ve been dating for a year, so far. It sounds like the two of you are committed, and these thoughts you have of someone else or the idea that your boyfriend has similar such thoughts, are eating you up inside with guilt. Relax. It’s normal to think about other people, and even to flirt with them. That doesn’t mean you’re acting on those thoughts. That’s the bigger deal. 😉 You’re in a relationship — you’re not dead! Focus on the relationship and be understanding of human nature. Flirting is fun and it can make you feel alive. If it doesn’t bother your partner then it’s not doing any harm, and it may make you feel better about yourself — and ironically, your relationship, as well, as a result. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re both 19 year olds in a long distance relationship after dating in person for a semester and then going back to your home country to finish school. What will help you to understand the situation is that long distance relationships are different than in person relationships. They’re much more difficult to carry out because of the distance, and one way to make them work is to give each other much “longer leashes” — in other words, you have to be a lot more understanding of the situation and of her possibly dating other people because you’re not there to take her out or spend time with her in person. Teenagers and young 20-somethings are vital and interested in dating. If what the two of you had was the stuff of long-term commitments, then you should work at the relationship over the distance, and be patient and understanding of the distance and her desire for companionship (as she should, yours). But if a long distance relationship is not something you’re realistically going to be able carry out, then you should let it go. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you have competition! He has a crush on another woman, and you have a head’s up that he’s got a romantic interest elsewhere. If you set up an ultimatum or try to control him, you’ll lose him. Instead, accept the competition, and be the girlfriend who wins him over. 😎 I know that you’re upset about this, and even angry, but you have to take an outlook that gets you what you want — not loses it for you. Whenever you competition, turn up your A game instead of trying to control someone you shouldn’t be controlling. You’ve been dating for a year now and competition is a part of dating and of life. Embrace it and play to win. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

This really has to do with what you want in a relationship. If you want monogamy, then your answer is clear. But if you want monogamy that leads to marriage, and you’ve been with the same guy for four years and there is no marriage in sight, then maybe your long distance boyfriend doesn’t want marriage and you don’t have the same goals. And if you’re just dating because you like dating, then you should absolutely date the new guy who is in town.

Whether or not you tell your long distance boyfriend that you’re playing the field, has to do with how serious you are about him. If he finds out, you probably know what his reaction will be, so consider your goals, the nature of the relationship and then whether or not you should date this new guy and tell your long distance boyfriend about him.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You know, a two year relationship at your ages (both 18), is a long relationship! And in most long-term relationships, there are ebbs and flows and ups and downs. So it’s normal to feel happy to be together, annoyed at each other, anticipating meeting up, bored — and all sorts of other emotions. I don’t think that ups and downs mean anything bad is happening. However…. trust your instincts. If you feel that he’s losing interest, then try and heat up the spark. Go have an adventure. Take a road trip. See something new, or do something different. Long-term relationships take work, and you have to put some planning and some energy into keeping things fresh.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

These are really good questions. It’s tough when you’re dating someone in high school and then the prospect of colleges in different states, looms. There’s a lot of anxiety about your own life and your life with him, as well. The thing is, for now, you have to wait and see where you’re both going to wind up. You may be in the same college. You may be in different colleges in the same state. Or you may be on different sides of the world. But right now, you just don’t know. I understand that you want security and it’s hard not to have it with so much up in the air, but you really have no choice but to wait and see. When you do find out where you’re applying, where you get in and where you’re both going, THEN you can discuss whether or not you want to keep dating and how often you want to see each other. I know waiting and uncertainty are a challenge, but that’s what you have to accept for now. So enjoy the relationship, but also foster your friendships with your friends, so you have a broad support system and you’re not too reliant on just him. It’ll help alleviate your anxiety because you’ll be focusing more broadly.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

What happened after college that you couldn’t see each other so much? It sounds like that’s when things broke down. How far apart did you move from each other, and why didn’t you see each other after college ended?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I can tell that you like him, and I would have suggested that you wait and let him make the first move instead of giving him the letter expressing your feelings, but since you did….. his non-response means he’s not interested. 😳 I know that’s disappointing, but the good news is that you haven’t wasted a lot of time on someone and the fact that he’s being clear with his silence, while disappointing, is a good hint that you should move on. Vacations can be like an altered reality because you’re not in your home and you’re not in your routine and it seems like anything is possible — and sometimes romances blossom on vacations, but they don’t make it back to your house with you! I think that his non-responsiveness is a big sign to you that this isn’t a romance that is going to go the distance from vacation to home.

So, don’t be lost. Be disappointed, but not for too long. Instead, look for someone to date who is local and who, if interested, really wants to make things work. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve been dating for two years and have a joint real estate investment commitment — but no romantic commitment, since you’re both living with roommates in separate flats. You want more, he likes things the way they are.

The good news is that he’s being clear with you. When he says he doesn’t want to get married for ten years, at least he’s not saying he doesn’t want to get married. He just doesn’t want to get married in this decade. And at least he’s not saying he does want to get married and acting like he doesn’t. That’s truly the most difficult! I’m nor sure if this pronouncement that he doesn’t want to get married for ten years is news to you, or if you’ve known this all along and now that you’re ready for marriage, it’s an issue. Lots of times women listen to guys — but they don’t hear them. They think they’ll change him, and it’s a tough road to take. Does that sound like you? I’m not insinuating — just asking. 🙂 Anyway, guys who marry are ready to marry. And what gets them ready may be a certain age that they have in their head (like he seems to have) or a certain amount of money in the bank, or a certain career goal met — or sometimes it’s because a parent dies or there’s some other catalyst. But as frustrating as this may be for you, he’s just not ready now.

The other piece of good news is that you know what you want. You want marriage and you want it before the decade ends. If the two of you can’t come together on that issue, after dating for two years, it’s time for you to prioritize your relationship goals and just because you love someone, if your needs aren’t being taken care of by them, because you don’t have compatible relationship goals, it may be time to move on.

I think that the real estate project may have created a bond that was not backed up with romance — and it may have allowed you to ignore or at least delay the fact that he wasn’t into marriage. You can keep the real estate project, because that’s just business. But I think you want something different for yourself in a relationship.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I agree! 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good idea!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Well, it may not have been defined in writing, but it sure sounds like it was a relationship. Especially since you spent so many consecutive weekends together. However… that may have been part of what made her feel that she lost her voice. Sometimes backing off from the full on weekends and having dates that are a little fewer and further between, keep the spark in the relationship and let it develop more slowly but surely. I know you say that she’s stopped talking to you. But that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to her. 😉 You can give it a try by sending some flowers or homemade cookies and a cute note to see if she responds. If she doesn’t, then you can move on, but if you haven’t left all stones unturned, you may want to do so for your own peace of mind, before moving on, yourself.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you’ve given this relationship three tries on three separate occasions and the last try was successful — if only for seven months! I can’t quite tell from your post whether the two of you talked about her reason for the break up — that she found herself getting lost in the relationship — or whether she was really clear in what she wanted to do by breaking up with you. [b]If[/b] she’s really clear on breaking up, then I think you have to let it go and move on. After three attempts, and the last one lasting for a considerable amount of time, she may really not be ready for the same commitment you are because she’s got personal issues she wants to work on, [b]or[/b]… she may be saying what she needs to say to end things without conflict. Lots of people end relationships with some version of “it’s not you, it’s me”, even if it is you, because it’s the best they can do. Not everyone has the tools to talk things through, give closure and move on, definitively. By saying she wants to find a way to not get lost in the relationship, she may be trying to extricate herself without conflict or hurting your feelings more than necessary.

However… if you’re both interested in working this through, after dating for seven months, it would seem like this is an opportunity to work on the relationship. When one person feels lost, you can check yourself and find times where you impose your will without realizing it. Instead of suggesting things to do, times to meet and ways to do things, ask what she’d like and how she’d like to do things. This will elicit her opinion and her voice and it will give her the opportunity to not feel lost in the relationship and to be heard. Another technique you can try is to ask her advice on things going on in your life. She may feel that you’ve got it all together and she doesn’t — and by showing her your vulnerabilities and interest in her advice and opinion, she may not feel so lost. The thing is, you both have to want to do this, so invite her to lunch and see how that goes and gently try some of these techniques. If things go well, ask her out again, and see if you can make this work. But if she’s set, then you’ll have no choice but to move on.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

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