[April Masini, your AskApril]

From your pre-posting questionnaire, I can see that you are 32 and you were dating this other guy who is 34 for only three weeks. You guys broke up because his 22 year old ex-girlfriend learned she was pregnant, and it is probably your ex’s baby, so he has moved in with her, and is going to try and make a family with her and the baby. The only good thing in all this is that the two of you were only dating for three weeks. I’m sure you’re upset about this, but can you imagine if this happened after three years?! Three weeks is a pretty small time investment in a relationship, so if you look at this from another angle, you’re lucky that it’s a super short term relationship failure, and not a more painful, long-term commitment. 😉

That said, the less you see your ex, the sooner you’ll get over the break up. Remaining “best friends” isn’t going to work for you, and I don’t think you should even try that. You’re not friends — you are exes from a romantic relationship. It’s too difficult to make that work now that he’s rejected you and moved on with his pregnant ex, and is trying to make himself feel better by keeping you in his game. Because of your history together friendship is not a good solution. So make the break clean and move on. It will hurt for a while, but you’ll feel single, soon enough and you’ll find someone new to date.

Hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

First, understand that not everyone you like is going to like you back. That’s just life. And sometimes someone will like you — and you won’t care for them. Try not to take the rejection too personally. And use it to walk away from opportunities that do not exist, and find those that do. 😉 But if you want to give it another try…. figure out what it is about this guy that she likes. And compete for her attention! 🙂 Bring out your own strengths — and develop new ones. Compliment her, flirt with her, make her laugh and do nice things for her — and invite her on dates. Life is competitive, so get in the game! All you have to risk is rejection and you’re already there, so give it a shot before calling it quits. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’re right. You’re in the friend zone. 🙄

The way you get out of the friend zone is to stop being her friend. 😉 Men and women can’t be friends and I catch a lot of flack for saying that because people don’t want to believe it — but it’s true. One person always likes the other one more, at some point. And this causes dishonesty. You’re not really friends. Because if she started dating someone, as a friend you’d be happy for her. But as a guy who likes her and wants more, you can’t be happy about her dating someone new — because you’re not her friend. You’re a guy who wants to date her. Accept this reality and take yourself out of that F-zone. Stop hanging out with her. Don’t grab dinner with her. And keep your conversations confined to work related topics. At the same time, look elsewhere for people to date and spend time with. What this does is bolster your feelings of well being and being single — which is how you wind up meeting someone new to date, and it lets her know you’re not interested in being in the F-zone. You respect yourself too much to settle for some derivative and unsatisfying situation. You want a girlfriend and she’s either in or out, but not a friend.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

From your pre-posting questionnaire, it looks like you’re both teenagers and you say that it’s been a year since the break up. Wow. That’s a long time to be going back and forth and back and forth. The whiplash alone must be really difficult! The problem is that until one of you breaks this pattern, it will continue. Since you can’t control your ex, and you can control yourself, the ball’s in your court! 😉 If you want things to be different, then you have to behave differently. Saying you don’t want to see him again clearly doesn’t work. So here are a few more boundaries you can use to try and make this break up stick for you. Stop taking his calls. Change your number if you have to, but first, start by blocking his number. Most phone services can help you do this easily if you don’t know how to do so online already. Next, break up on social media. Unfriend, unfollow, and disconnect from all social network connections you share with your ex. If he comes to your door, don’t answer it. You have to uphold these no contact barriers — and you can count on him not to and to try to break them down. That’s his pattern.

In addition, if you share friends or the same gym or coffee shop, switch them. I know this is a drag and you probably feel that you’re being victimized by having to make the changes, but keep your eye on the ball. If you want to stop this year long back and forth post-break up, you have to make it clear that you’re not going to be part of the same old pattern any more. If you have things that are his, mail them back to him. If he has things of yours, make arrangements to have them picked up by a third party. Basically, make this a super clean break.

Next…. you have to get busy! If you’re distracted, depressed, feeling lazy about dating or just missing him, you’re going to be more vulnerable to his back and forth relationship whiplash techniques. So hedge against that dynamic by throwing yourself into school, work, sports, your social life, family — whatever you do that keeps you busy, engaged and happy, do it! Plan a trip, make new friends, look for new guys to date, and move on in such a positive and forceful way that his attempts don’t affect you as much as they have been over the last year.

I hope that works!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re confused and upset. 😳 It sounds like you’re all 24 years old and you and your boyfriend have a family together. Since you’ve started college, you’ve met this other guy and you have a crush that’s become a distraction — so much so that you’re thinking of leaving your boyfriend for this crush. The best advice I can give you is to try and gain some perspective. College is a very romantic milieu. It’s typically a huge gathering of single people who are all available, young, interested in social and intellectual exchanges and are open to experimenting. Some people marry college boyfriends — others use college as a time to experiment romantically and sexually. You’re coming into this whole new world, and you’re affected by it. I get it. It would be hard not to! Student/professor romances are legendary. College students who try out different sexual partners is typical. And you’ve got a crush on a guy who is probably crushing on you back. There’s no crystal ball to tell you whether this guy is a temporary crush, a fling, a potential date or boyfriend, or your soul mate. What I can tell you is what’s at stake. Your two children are counting on your family until for stability and while this may not be fair, most of life isn’t. 😉 You have responsibilities to your kids and to the family you’ve created with their father, so if you break up with their dad to follow this crush, they will be affected. This sets you apart from most of the other college students at your campus.

My advice is to accept the crush and enjoy it. Flirting is different from cheating, and the reality is that this guy hasn’t asked you out and may shy away from doing so when he finds out you’ve got a commitment to kids — or he may not! The thing is, you don’t know. And you don’t have to act on your crush. There will be many times in a long-term relationship where you will find someone else attractive or flirtatious, and it doesn’t have to mean your primary relationship is in jeopardy. Flirting is not the same thing as kissing, making out or having sex. It can be fun and innocent.

Next, understand that a longterm relationship takes work. You have two kids and you’ve been with their dad for five years, at age 24. You’re probably both exhausted from parenting, working, going to school, and you’ve let the relationship slip to the back of the line. You need to reinvigorate your romantic and your sex life with your boyfriend in order to give this crush less weight. If you don’t work on your primary relationship, it’ll be easy for distractions to take precedence. Make date night a priority. Don’t freak out if you’re not in the mood — but do get a babysitter to take the kids so you can have a relaxing spa night at home or bottle of wine under the stars together without parenting duties pressing.

The bottom line is that your confusion is a guide — it’s telling you that you’re not sure. And because you have kids and their father at stake, don’t act unless you’re sure. Or at least more sure, that the relationship you have with their father isn’t going to work out. It really sounds like this crush came along at a vulnerable time in your primary relationship, and you gave it more weight than you maybe should have. If you and your boyfriend had been fighting for years and talking about breaking up and there’d been abuse going on, it would be a different story, but it really sounds like you need to give your relationship with the boyfriend more attention before seriously considering the other guy.

I hope this helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m very sorry this is rough on you. Threesomes where there is an established couple and a third party invitee, rarely end well. In fact, if it’s any comfort, this kind of dynamic you’re describing, is pretty common. Usually one person in the threesome feels left out. The good news is that you did this only once and realized you feel badly. Some people do it a dozen times before they are able to articulate what is making them feel badly about the experience. And, it sounds like this isn’t something you should do again because of how it made you feel. You were surprised at your wife’s abandon, and uncomfortable with her having sex with this other man. Now, you have to talk to your wife and express yourself to her and let her know that you’re not willing to do this again and why. You also have a clue about things she likes that you didn’t realize before and maybe the two of you can expand your own relationship beyond what it’s been — but just with the two of you, not three of you! 😉

As for your feeling “ripped off” — I think you should try to let that go, and instead, focus on the future of your marriage and your sex life within the marriage. The reality is that this was a first time experience and you didn’t know enough about how you’d all behave to decide whether or not to have parameters and what those parameters would be. Now, you do. Feeling “ripped off” is probably just your feeling unprepared for what you agreed to do, so see if you can let that go. Having second thoughts about your not having stopped your wife and this other man, is now making you angry — I don’t think you’re really angry at them. You’re angry at yourself for being in this situation. And unfortunately, that’s how a lot of people who try threesomes wind up feeling. 😳

Try not to let this uncomfortable experience become a relationship obstacle. Instead, process with your wife, talk about what happened and how you both feel, and what you want to do next — without a third person.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Social media can be a great tool and fun entertainment, but it can also be an onus. In your case, it’s prolonging a relationship after a breakup, and because the contact is so disjointed, it’s upsetting you. The hard, bottom line reality is that the two of you are broken up and if she wants to date you, she’ll let you know. Instead, she’s being social and civilized when she feels like it, and then putting up incongruent boundaries — when she feels like it. You’re going along with it all, trying to make sense of it. For your peace of mind, the best thing to do is to make the break up more final. You’ve broken up in person, now you have to break up online. 😳 My advice is to unfriend her, disconnect from her social media accounts and disconnect her from yours. This may seem harsh, but it’s going to give you more clarity — and peace of mind. It will be hard to do because it’s really a second break up, but since the two of you are broken up, living in different cities, and not there’s no chance of getting back together the way things are going, I think this is a good idea. If you want to send her a last letter (snail mail), explaining what you’re doing and why, then go ahead, but the important thing is to take care of yourself. An online break up will do that.

I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Stop focusing on this other guy and shift the spotlight onto you. 😉 Ask her out on a date to do something really fun. If she sees you as a guy who wants to date her, she may stop focusing on this other guy, too! 🙂 If every time you talk to her, you enable the conversations about this other guy, you’ll become part of the problem and sink deep into the friend zone. What you want to do is get her to see you as a potential date and the best way to do that is to act like one. Forget him. Focus on you!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Since you’re both 25 years old and have been dating seven months, it’s now fair to ask about his girlfriend, and if he’s still committed to her. Since the relationship started with him disclosing to you that he has a girlfriend, which was his way of letting you know you shouldn’t expect a commitment from him, and he seems to be interested in you beyond just casual dating, this is definitely the time to find out about monogamy. If he’s still with her, then expect more of the same. If he isn’t, then there’s a better chance that he’s feeling loyal to you.

Overall, the best thing you can do is to get out of the intra-personal wishful thinking and to get into the interpersonal business of relationships! What goes on between you and you is thinking. What goes on between you and him is your relationship. 😉 Six months into dating is usually when you decide whether or not you both want to be monogamous and if he doesn’t, then you get to decide whether or not you want to stay in the game. But if you don’t ask, which at this point in time is fair, you won’t know. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you want to be happy you have to treat yourself well, and if you want to cry and be sad, then you have to treat yourself poorly — which is what you’re doing. 😮 I can’t do the heavy lifting for you. You have to do it yourself. And be very clear — this problem is no longer about him. It’s really about you. You’re 26 years old (thanks for the information on your pre-posting questionnaire), and you have to take care of yourself in many ways. Choosing who you spend time with — whether it’s family, friends and even boyfriends — is your responsibility to yourself. If you choose to spend time with and give your energy and yourself to a man who doesn’t treat you well, that’s your choice. 🙁 There’s no magic here — if you want to feel good, then you simply have to stop seeing this guy who makes you cry and treats you poorly. It’s pretty simple. Your friends have already given you this advice and I agree with them.

So, let’s talk about what you’re getting from being with him that is keeping you in the relationship in spite of his poor treatment of you. Some people would rather be with a bad match than be single. They fear being alone and this may be what’s going on with you. Dating and finding Mr. Right is work and lots of people are either lazy or fear failure at this relationship work. If this resonates for you, consider that it may be true. If so, the problem you’re facing is that until you can truly be single, you won’t be able to find Mr. Right because you’ll be in a relationship with Mr. Wrong. It’s much easier to find a new guy if you’re single than if you’re not, so let that be an impetus to face your discomfort and do the work! In addition, you’re losing out on opportunities. Guys won’t show interest if they think you’re taken, so if you break up with this person and become single, you’ll be a possibility to other men! There’s more, but the bottom line is that this guy isn’t right for you, you know it, and you need to do the work to move on in life. No one can do it for you. This is your project, alone! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You mentioned in your pre-posting questionnaire, that she is not divorced yet. That means she’s still married and she has two children with her husband. I know that she is divorcing and the two of you were dating while she was married, but what you may not realize is how big a deal divorce, especially divorce with children, really is. She’s about to become a single mother and she may have co-parenting responsibilities with her husband, so she’s got a lot going on. When she tells you that she still likes you but that she needs some space, that makes a lot of sense given all that she’s going through. I think that since you really like her, the best way to keep her in your life is to back off but not disappear. Call her every week or couple of weeks. Send her flowers or chocolates and let her know you’re there. But don’t invest all your romantic energy in a relationship with her. She really does have to figure out this next part of her life, and soon enough, you’ll find out if you’re a part of it, or if you were a relationship that helped her get through a difficult time in her marriage as it was ending. Space and time are your friends. Don’t feel like they mean things are over. But do give her respect to end her marriage that she needs. I hope that helps. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

He’s not interested and he’s made that super clear. Not everyone you like will be. And not everyone who likes you will win your attention, either. So yes, cut your losses and move on. And find someone new who is interesting and interested in you. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Let me know if you have a question for me! I’m happy to answer questions. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You should be mad — but not at him. 😕 He’s been pretty consistent for the seven years you’ve been together, and you keep trying to talk yourself into thinking that things will change. And they don’t. At some point you’ll realize that he’s not interested in monogamy over the long run and if you are, you’ll find someone who is. He’s not that guy. So, yes — be mad, but not at him. Be mad that you’re not choosing guys who are interested in what you are, which is commitment, loyalty and monogamy. He does have a responsibility to his children, but it doesn’t sound like he’s letting them down. Just you. 😳

I’m really sorry that this is difficult. Whenever we try to make something work, and it doesn’t work, and we keep trying and failing over and over again, pretty much any one of us reading this will get angry. But we’re really angry at ourselves. 😉 The ball is in your court. It’s your move.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You didn’t do anything wrong — she’s just not into you. Whenever you date a person, you should use the first three months of dating to decide if you both want to continue dating, and the second three months to decide if you want to be monogamous. When you veer off those guidelines, you will run into problems because you’ll move too fast without really getting to know each other and make decisions too quickly without the benefit of time. That’s what happened. During those first four months, she decided she didn’t want to continue dating you — and that happens in most cases. People date and decide that after they get to know each other, and themselves, that it’s not a good match. There are many reasons and only some of them have to do with you. Others have to do with the person rejecting you. They may not be ready. They may realize you’re not a compatible match. They may accept that this was just a rebound to help them get over someone else — in this case, it was her five year relationship with another man, that had just ended. This is normal, and it’s no one’s fault. It’s just the way people learn and decide whether a relationship is going to work for them or not.

Unfortunately for you in this case, it only takes one person to end the relationship, and that’s her. In addition to which the two of you are in different countries. This makes a reunion on a very short-term relationship, super difficult. 🙁 I know you really like her, but she doesn’t want to continue dating and I think you should accept that closed door with grace and be happy that you didn’t invest more time in a relationship that didn’t play out.

I’m sorry that this is disappointing, but I think that if you look for someone to date who is more ready and less in recovery from a break up, you’ll have more success next time around. I hope that helps! 🙂

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