[April Masini, your AskApril]

I don’t think he’s just using you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you’re smart to question the nature of the relationship. When you meet someone interesting and start up a long distance relationship, because you live in different countries, keep this rule of thumb in mind: If he doesn’t make a date to see you within three months, consider that he’s not that interested in a traditional, committed relationship. He may like you, and he may want to have fun with you, but he’s not interested in that relationship where you get to know each other, in person, with the goal being a committed, monogamous relationship. The sexting is a game for him, and it’s a great tool in a long distance relationship that’s committed, but if that’s all you have, then that’s all you have. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what it is you want — whether you want to try to get her back, or if you just need help getting through the break up. Let me know! Also, how old are you both, and how long were you dating before the break up?

[April Masini, your AskApril]

If you ask someone out on a date and they rebuff your offer, they may tell you, “No, thank you,” and that’s that. Game over. But, more likely, you’ll get some less direct response because believe it or not, it’s tough for people to do the rejecting, and they don’t all have the social, emotional and psychological tools to be direct and kind. So you get a muddled message. Or a miscommunicated one. Sometimes, a rejection doesn’t sound like a rejection — and on the flip side, sometimes a rejection wasn’t intended to be a flat out rejection, but it comes out that way. That’s why it’s always good to ask a second time for clarity, and unless the rejection involves some form of strong emotion where you can really tell that the person really doesn’t like you, ask once more, even after a single rejection. The second attempt at a date will give you a better idea of how a person feels because they may say, “I really appreciate your asking, but I’m really not interested.” That’s a rejection you’ll get after a second attempt at a date — not a first one. But you may also get, “I’m so glad you asked again — I was so distracted that day you asked the first time, I don’t think I conveyed my true feelings. I’d love to!”

Bottom line, it’s often a little tough to tell, so you have to do diligence to make sure you’ve really gotten a clear message.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what you said to her when you were angry, but it kind of did the trick of shutting her out — unfortunately, she had one foot out the door, anyway, so your anger directed at her didn’t help. My advice is to send her a huge bouquet of flowers. Something really impressive, to change the mood. Apologize graciously in the card, and wait for her to call and thank you for the gift. If she does, change the tone of the relationship. If she doesn’t, you tried.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like you had a really intense relationship that ended badly. Whatever it was that caused you to sabotage the relationship, needs attention (from you). These things don’t just go away. They fester, unattended. My advice is to follow your path and focus on what went wrong and deal with it. For now, she’s dating someone else and isn’t ready to be with you — and you aren’t willing to stand by while she’s with other guys (understandable). Your break is turning into a real break up, but the future is the future. You just never know. That said, don’t wait. Do take care of yourself, and don’t sweep your personal problems under the rug. Attend to them. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time. I think you should focus on your life without him, as it appears he’s pulling away.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Good luck!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it.

I don’t think you need a psychiatrist or a marriage counselor! 😉 I think you stumbled on an opportunity (yes — an opportunity) to improve your marriage. Your wife isn’t having her sexual needs met in the relationship, and she’s dabbling outside of it, if your instincts about this other guy are correct. I know you want to be locked and loaded on this infidelity issue, but my advice is to shift focus. People don’t look outside the marriage because of what they see out there — they look outside the marriage because of what’s not happening in the marriage. My advice is that you put your attention on your relationship with your wife. Get the romance and spark back in the relationship. This will take work, but it will be worth it. And take her advice — stop bringing up the lapse you found. By doing so, you’re putting energy on the wound, picking at the scab, instead of on the healing process. 😉 I know it’s hard for you to deal with this — but your choices are that you do or you don’t. Start romancing her today. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Stay put. Your kids are doing well in school, and that should be your priority.

If you are having career and financial issues, then you should address those, but don’t look to your ex-husband to be your bank. Lots of people have money problems, so if you want to be specific about what you want and what you need, maybe I can help you with those. But it’s not a good idea to get back with an ex who doesn’t see your kids (who are doing well where they are), simply because you’re short of cash.

Let me know if you have any other questions. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Four years is a long time to be in a relationship with someone, and I understand how upsetting this breakup is for you. But here’s the thing. She was 33, married with kids and had a career as a therapist when she started this open relationship with you at age 22. Now, four years later, she doesn’t feel a commitment to you when you’re going through some depression, so she’s moving on. She has always been very independent and while this probably hurts, it’s not unexpected. She’s about taking care of her own needs, not committing to a relationship that has give and take or sacrifice and generosity. That’s not bad — it just is.

You may already know this, but if you don’t, it’s good to really try and process so you can decide if you really want [i]her[/i] back, or you want a relationship with someone who is committed to you. If you want her back, then understand she’s looking for someone who’s young, carefree and not an emotional pull on her energy. We all go through ups and downs — she isn’t looking for that. If you want a commitment and someone who’s there for better or for worse, look elsewhere. The irony in this is that you were probably depressed because you weren’t getting a commitment from her…. this breakup may be a door opening for you to find what you really need, elsewhere.

I hope that helps. Let me know if you have any other questions.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

My advice is to empathize. You’ve been dating a woman for 2 months. Her children are wary. Guess what? They’re right to be. You write that this is moving very fast — so slow it down. 😉 What’s the rush? “It’s” not moving fast. YOU are. The relationship goal should be getting to know each other so you make wise dating decisions, [i]especially[/i], since there are children involved. It’s way too early for you to talk to her kids about this. If you do, ironically, you’re going to be giving them more reason to be concerned. Your timeline is faster than it should be and they’ll notice that. They’ll wonder what your rush is, and feel suspicious. Instead, slow down and date. If you walk the walk, you won’t have to have the talk. 😉 They’ll get it without you spelling it out.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I think you will end up finding that you can’t help her. She has to help herself. There’s a term called “enabling” that’s used when a person tries to help, and ends up proliferating the victim’s status as a victim. A better way to help someone with their issues is to encourage them to do the personal work they need, and show them your own boundaries because you are so healthy, you are willing to give people you love the opportunity to do their own work. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m sorry you’re having so much trouble in this relationship. 🙁

You know, if a guy takes you out on a date on Saturday night, has an argument with you on the date, and then brings you home early, so he can go out without you, for his next date (or whatever it was), you have to understand that this isn’t someone you should have another date with without some type of explanation and future understanding and apology. You didn’t do any of that. You had him into your home without explanation of the way he treated you, and you had sex with him — and then regretted it. This isn’t about him. 😕 It’s about you. You’re focusing on his behavior in this string of posts, and I think you’d have a lot more success and peace and happiness in your life by focusing on yourself.

Why would you date someone with these anger issues? Or someone who acts out by dropping you off on Saturday night to go have other plans with someone else? 😯 I think you’re putting yourself into situations where you’re going to be treated poorly, and the question to you is: Why?

Think about it. 😉 I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Wait for him, but when he does contact you, instead of Skyping for 2-3 hours each time you connect that way, cut it down to 30 minutes. Leave him wanting more. 😉 You’re much more likely to get his attention the next day that way, than if you spend so much time with him online, when you do. In addition, stay busy! The more you have going on during this summer, the less energy you’ll spend getting anxious.

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