[Anonymous]

I’m sorry, I didn’t notice it. I will post in the other forum.

[Anonymous]

Hi there, I have just read the post by that guy and an female in a similar situation.My boyfriend has some issues with his libido, and it may simply be that I am a bit too forthcoming.We have talked about it but it hasnt changed all that much in the short term.

I have been seeing a lovely fellow over the last five months who I met on a dating site.He has been the best boyfriend I have ever had in many ways/definitely years!He is, respectful, so kind, caring,& with a great sense of humour.We have a lot in common and a great connection – it has taken me a very long time to find him after dating a lot of idiots who were not relationship orientated.There were a few initial issues regarding exclusivity between us but it seemed clear enough it was what we both wanted.However he has indicated a few times he is punching above his weight and I wonder whether this hinges some of the problems.

He is somewhat intimidated in the bedroom and overall I am beginning to find it a bit boring.I feel he has some intimacy issues – he doesn’t really like passionate kissing while having sex, loves doing it doggie style, often doesn’t finish with sex but with a hand job or oral.If I sit on top he is almost always looking away or eyes closed. I want to have sex more than he does and I must say compared to a lot of other great sexual relationships I have had – this is the most limiting.

He outweighs these limitations by being so fantastic in other areas.However he has sensed my dis-satisfaction regarding the difference in libido and I have come clean about the fact that it makes me feel insecure and that he doesn’t want me.He has reassured me this isn’t the case.I suspect he is now anxious about this issue which is in turn affecting things.

He is extremely sensitive (and has told me suffers from anxiety) and I suspect it is a major confidence issue.I have tried to be as encouraging as possible and even now am reverting to a loss of interest to try and spark his so he is not feeling challenged.I am a very sexually confident & happy woman and I think I may have intimidated him.

His mother left the family (he and 3 sisters) at the age of ten and he has had no contact since.I suspect his emotional trepidation may also stem from this and he has never dealt with it in terms of counselling and I am not about to suggest this (or should I – I am fairly certain he won’t engage with the concept,not that I have asked). I am guess I am trying to understand why his behaviour may be as it is.His early sexual experiences were also lacking in intimacy but when he did fall in love, he was with his girlfriend for four years.

The girlfriend before me was 10 years younger than him and he was heartbroken after it ended a year ago.Apparently this has a more profound impact than his other 4 year relationship where he ended it.

I in terms of the past, have suffered a heartbreak that was really only truly resolved a years or so ago.My previous partner of 5 years and I were married for 5 weeks(albeit 8 years ago)and then it came out he had had an affair for four months leading up to,during and after the wedding.I then spent the last 8 years forming short term relationship after the other; resulting in sporadic hurtful outcomes.

I took some celibate time out to grow stronger and reflect which helped, realising my ability to trust was damaged,as was my ability to recognise someone who had emotional intergrity. A year ago my ex husband contacted me and apologised – not in a way I really required but in a way I could accept.He had wanted to meet – to apologise to me face to face, but I declined – the thought was very painful and created a lot of anxiety for me. But I resolved a lot for me, by writing back to him, so finally I had closure.Subsequently I then met this man who I am with now.

I opened up my heart to this new man, but have also had to deal with ending what was pretty much an 8 year period without a long term relationship – previous to that I had been a serial monagamist.

My current boyfriend knows about my previous heartbreak but I have only recently admitted that its been a bit of a challenge having such a constant boyfriend in terms of a change for me.Without going into a lot of detail I said that I hadnt been in a situation like this for some time.

I have in fact had some issues spending so much time with him and am struggling with the issue of getting more space and not making him feel rejected.

However,in the heady mix of all this (as if this wasn’t enough !!)over a month ago I discovered through using his computer he had posted a casual encounter ad on melbourne dating site.
Yes, I was snooping through history and admit to succumbing to my trust issues as I have been burnt more than once with boys I have met on-line.They don’t seem to be able to let go of the multiple dates…I understand this as I had my own issues with settling on one also.

I was shocked and saddened and it took me 3 days to force the courage to confront him.
He declared he hadn’t done anything(as in met anyone had sex etc).I forgave him and told him I had feelings for him – to which I received little response in return.

I am now wondering whether I in fact did the right thing.I am now wondering given his lack of libido whether he requires another casual relationship on the side.

The cruel irony is that he knows all about how I was hurt previously.We did nearly finish but I decided to forgive him after he texted that he was falling for me and wanted to be with me more than anything.However now I am wanting more of an emotional overture.And I have to say I am not sure I will not wonder how faithful he is.This of course is the biggest restraint emotionally for me overall.

He is reluctant still however to discuss feelings and say I love you. And so am I.I feel given what happened he really needs to bridge that gap – yet I am not sure I am going to get the words.Instead I have many actions.
I haven’t quite had a boyfriend who communicates in this way and I am fairly certain it isnt enough long term for me.

I dearly yearn for someone who can emotional communicate with me on a deep level and knowing as many men as I have – I know how hard this is to find. I am not sure whether I need to start settling for second best. I have told him I am very glad he is my boyfriend.

I suspect if I explained a lot of what I have explained to you it would help.I am just wondering given all this whether I really should invest anymore emotion or time.

I do love him but am so worried that I may again be making yet another bad emotional decision.

I thank you for reading this.

[Anonymous]

Well, I agree 🙂 April, do you believe that if I actually break up with him I will be able to fall in love again? Have you had any similar experience?;) Have a nice day!

[Anonymous]

It isn’t right for a girl of your age to obsessed with boy – when I was younger I spent my time chasing after men and I never realised what was really important in life. I turned to Jesus and he showed me the truth, and I was able to focus on what mattered. I hope you find Jesus in your hardships. Amen sister.

[Anonymous]

Hi,
Thanks April, I already sent a reply but not sure where it went !

I am an NC (no contact) queen & have practised it a lot in the past. I did NC in the past after the BU of a 6 year relationship & I never contacted the guy & deeply regretted it as I never found out why he really left (he contacted me 3 mths later).It helped with certain types of siutations but I feel with this one, I was so confident & we get on so well it was actually worrying me to not hear from him. I did give wait 2 wks too which is a long time…

I don’t really understand how someone can phone you for an hour & day & then just stop calling. Obviously the talk we had was too much for him & he’s probably opted for an easy way out which is a bit shitty really !!! No argument at all, we got on well…

He’s the one that was sure this would all work out, he’s the one that was 100% driving for this relationship, he’s the one who told me he’d fallen for me, that we should see each other every 2 wks, he’s the one who paid the flights, gave me his credit card etc etc He’s made a huge effort but that one time I went to Ireland, he never made it down & it upset me…surely just because of that he didn’t want out !?

I am very independent indeed & he knows this, (one shouldn’t even contemplate having a LDR if one isn’t). I believe that is one thing that attracted me to him…I didn’t put any pressure on at all as regards commitment…

This guy was a really close friend too, how could he just stop calling ? I can’t figure out if it means he’s got emotional issues or if he’s just not such a nice guy, I don’t know what category to put him into…its so confusing….

I realise it may be stress & he’s a lot on his plate but it could be for loads of reasons, how will i know which one ?

Why throw away a perfectly good relationship because of one serious little talk !?

He’s coming to Paris next week & d’ont worry, I have absolutely no intention of contacting him.

How can I get closure on somebody doing this ? I have riding gear at his place which I have to get back eventually.

How can I know
1. If its really definitely over ?
2. If so why ?
3. Get my stuff back ? (I have affairs at his place)

Thank you for your advice..
Rgrds
C.

[Anonymous]

I second on you April. Reality isn’t the way one wish things to be, nor the way they appear to be, but the way they actually are. Steve, I feel April has clarified yr situation pragmatically and now you would be able to decide your next course of action. My best wishes with you, Steve and thanks April for providing us the psychic insights.

[Anonymous]

hi how do i make him commited to me when he says he doesnt want any girl right now because of school. Is it wrong i have feelings for him. Thanks so much for your advice it helped completely. Is there a chance we could make this work.

[Anonymous]

It`s me again April,

Plan B worked out great and I am not pregnant…Thanks for the words of encouragement. He has done his ignoring me thing again but I guess thats just how he operates. I am going to tough it out and see how things go. Thanks again

[Anonymous]

Well, thank you once again 🙂 I truly think that when you really love someone you want him/ her to evolve in his/ her life and you can be patient for a certain period of time. If you cannot be patient for a while, it means that your feelings may not be strong enough. In our situation, the bad thing is that there is a lot of jealousy mutually. 😥 Can a passionate relationship be an everlasting one if there is jealousy in the middle? Does this lack of trust mean that it is not real?

[Anonymous]

If i want to keep this relationship lite and breezy only email him once a week. Will he still talk to me and be still intrested in me. He really thinks he knows me by asking photos of me. He wants a fantasy relationship. I never thought of it like that. Thank you so much for your help.

[Anonymous]

Well, yes. I am going to buy your book which seems interesting:) Though, I wonder… How can a man not make a strong commitment to me when we are basically living together? Let’s say…5 times a week we sleep under the same roof and we engage in all activities together… Even to a professional trip of him to Germany and to Switzerland we went together 🙂 I see my friends more often than he sees his own because he wants to be with me…Still, yes…He is at the beginning of his career and his career involves a lot of traveling which I don’t like much…Well, if you were in my shoes and you had this kind of relationship for someone you care deeply about, would you still think he is not appropriate for you and you would look for someone in a different phase?I mean sometimes we cannot control who we love…Thank you some much!

[Anonymous]

Hi Tom

As I said, your words, a bolt from the blue. Weird, because she said the same things as you. Even used the word “society”, and what society thinks. I have to be clear on the couple itself, and what they have decided. It is only in the last month or less they have used the words ‘separate’, before that it seemed an aimless drifting, with no real love. The wife was unhappy, and she says the husband chose to ignore the signs and not confront them. With the latest development there has been talk of houses, and practical plans.

But as you say, the problem was there in the bond, it was not created by me. In terms of love, my love for her is very strong, more than I’ve felt with anyone else. For her, it seems as strong, even stronger, but I have to factor in that she is in a low place and her love for me may be amplified by loneliness, the whole ‘rebound’ factor.

I wasnt sure what you meant by “When the couple in question feel that they are no longer compatible with each other and should instead knock the exit door, then you should appreciate the split up because ultimately it is going to keep her happy whether you stay with her or not. “?

But I would like to hear what women think on this. Maybe the whole male “hunter” attitude is encompassed in your reply, the whole “fair game” idea. Then again, if I am male (which I am!), it would not be out of character for me to behave like one!

Maybe I am very old fashioned in my views, and it may cost me an incredible woman. She is from tempestuous Latin America, and I am from Zimbabwe but with a conservative English style upbringing: I would say I am more conservative than her.

Nobody said love was easy!

[Anonymous]

Hi Tom

Thanks for the reply. It was quite a shock, and a bolt from the blue to see those words. I’ll elaborate further in the next post, just hoping to catch you while youre still online

More to follow….

[Anonymous]

Steve i very much agree with the part when the woman with whom you are in love feels that the love between you two should be greater than the feeling of guilt. But I am confused with the guilt part-what’s the guilt here? You are not the one who cause trouble in their bondship after their marriage. So instead of you its both the husband and the wife are to be blamed each other for their relationship to be on rocks. Now if the situation had been like this-the husband and wife were in true love with each other but after your arrival its the woman who started betraying her husband to fulfill yr advances then i feel there is certainly to feel something bitter about. But that’s not the case here as you have mentioned or as i interpret. The woman from the beginning was unsatisfied. When the couple in question feel that they are no longer compatible with each other and should instead knock the exit door, then you should appreciate the split up because ultimately it is going to keep her happy whether you stay with her or not.
You should not brother about what the society has to say. When her love for you is still rock solid as it was when it started and vice-versa, stop perceiving what your guilt part in yr mind has to suggest, else you are going to wind up like a failure.I feel your conscience is clear and if its so, then you should accept her with wide hands. In the words of Bart: “Let the heart want what it wants.”

[Anonymous]

hey i totally have moved on but i still like his comments. I go dates all the time and keep comparing to him. Why does he ask photos of me all thet ime and constantly begs. He makes me feel guilty not sending it but i only do it if he was the boyfriend. He isnt right now but i dont know why he would care about photos of me even if he sleeping around. He makes me feel guilty not sending it too. Why cant we be friends and instead of him asking photos all the time. Please help me to be just his friend.

[Member]

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