[Anonymous]

You may be right… I only hope she would not become unhappy if she did gain weight.

True, it is nice that we don’t have to be very careful about what we eat! She is pretty conscious about the healthfulness of her diet though, so I don’t know that I could encourage her to eat fattening food very much.

That is good advice about accepting her as she is. I DO think she is very attractive and sexy already… the main problem I have is temptation to look at other women. Is there anything I could do about that?

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice, I woke up this morning with the intention to break up with him.

When he came home last night I approached him about how he reacted towards me when he left earlier in the day expressing that he had hurt my feelings. Hoping I would get at least an apology for his uncalled out burst. Didn’t happen that way, he simply told me there was no reason for him to since he feels I was acting strange and became very pungent even though I expressed several times in the conversation I felt like I was owed one. I dropped it for the most part till he brought up a situation from the night before, me trying to entice him while in bed and how uncomfortable it made him feel considering the circumstances, his fear of me getting pregnant (I don’t want to and ensure that).

This afternoon he began acting as though he wanted to go somewhere or was going somewhere, I asked him what his plans were for the day hoping that maybe we could spend sometime together. He told me he had no plans but still kept acting as though he was getting ready to do something, I take my shower and come back out and he’s standing around. I ask him what he’s doing yet again and he says I’m thinking of going out with Gary. I look at him with disgust because I was hoping I’d have some time to spend with him and I didn’t know how to tell him I wanted to be included. His friends are my friends, at least that’s what all of his friends have said to me. They enjoy having me around and tell me all the time I should come out with Jamie (my boyfriend) more often.

I decided to sit down and try to tell him I wanted to go with him without really saying I wanna go because I didn’t want to come off pushy. I told him I feel excluded from a lot of his plans lately and I understand he requires time with his friends but that I felt a little too left out. Before I could get to point blank expressing I wanted to go with him I got that look from him which is next to impossible to describe and I couldn’t help but blurt out.

[quote]I’ve been told the person who cares the least in the relationship has the most control and right now I’m not happy. [/quote]

I was going to explain in detail, not harsh or too serious that I just wanted to go out with him too but he flipped out on me. He said your doing it again, you just don’t get it. I enquirer what he’s talking about and he stresses a serious conversation, I told him I understand what you need but what about my needs. He said you don’t understand what I need, I explain verbatim exactly what it is he’s said he’s needed me to do and I’ve felt I’ve complied to the best of my ability. I only talk about what I feel needs to be addressed. In my opinions are typical relationship conversations, such as should I wear lingerie, where would you like to go eat or could I make you something at home. Simple things that turn into big ordeals on his part. Anything at this point if it comes out of my mouth is a serious conversation in his opinion.

I try to express that I was just wanting to spend time with him but I didn’t know how to say it without coming off aggressive or pushy. He tells me it doesn’t matter and that he’s told me over and over that I need to stop having serious conversations in order for us to work. I tell him I understand this but I don’t know what is or isn’t considered a serious conversation at this point and enforce yet again that I love him and want to be with him, he tells me I’m full of it. I get frustrated and tell him what it is I’ve given up to be here and that should prove that I mean what he says. He pulls out his wallet and slams his credit card on our desk and says.

[quote]Buy your self a plane ticket to wherever you want to go, take a taxi to the airport and leave your address and I’ll ship you all your stuff.[/quote]

I was left speechless, I couldn’t believe what just happened. This morning I had woken up with the full intention to break up with him but I had a change of heart but when this happened I felt a sigh of relief, last night I felt like I had hit a wall and didn’t want to get up. I wasn’t sure I had it in me to continue the relationship. He left our apartment and told me he wasn’t coming back till I was gone, it hurt me I asked him to stay because I didn’t want to be alone. I had asked him to re consider the decision because I felt it was a rash decision based out of quick judgment but he told me we had nothing to talk about, he wasn’t happy with me and wasn’t in love with me.

I let him leave and begin to make my phone calls home for arrangements. I call him to confirm some of his credit card information and he had nothing but harsh words. I asked him to bring me some boxes so I could pack my stuff and he told me no he would ship it to me, it’s mostly just clothing and what’s so hard about it. I told him I wanted to do it myself because it’s my stuff. I have no car so it’s not like I could go do it myself and the one person who MIGHT be able to help me was out of town till tomorrow and he wasn’t coming home till late. I then asked him to please take me to the airport and he again told me no and asked me why, I told him because it’s polite and I came here to be with him the least he could do is take me to the airport. He then agrees.

I found out tonight that he had been talking about going back to his ex for the sake of his child, it seemed obvious to me and made sense for a lot of recent events that have taken place. He had asked some of our friends to not talk to me in regards to the conversations that had taken place and they apologized for not telling me earlier since I had asked before I came back if there was anything going on I should know about because it may determine if I did. He now claims that has nothing to do with the demise of our relationship but I beg to differ. The first time I left it was because of her and this last time as well so it seems.

I don’t know why I’m telling you this in all honesty, but maybe it’ll help someone else if they read it. You cant make someone else feel for you the way you do for them. I realized that with my last relationship but I feel like a child and selfish and don’t want it to end because I love him and I know things have been getting better and could continue too. On the phone he told me he could be happy with me and wanted to be with me but I just couldn’t do what he needed me too. The thing is though, it’s not me its him. I’ve done everything I possibly can for him and I’ve always been myself, loving, caring, understanding beyond reason and committed. I know this is for the best as much as it hurts and in my heart not what I want.

I know in 2 weeks he’ll be calling me telling me he made a mistake, a month if he does in fact try to go back to his ex. Just this time I wont fall for it. I plan on leaving tomorrow or the day after and turning off my cell phone and cutting any means of communication I have with him. It’s just rough, I love him and want to be with him but I can’t bring myself to put up with this madness anymore. I love myself more and I deserve to be happy.

Thank you for your advice it was the last kick in the butt I needed to realize that it just isn’t worth while.

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the advice. The example you gave was close, but it’s the opposite: I think my ideal is a more fleshy woman. We have discussed it, and I think there’s very little chance of her agreeing to change. She seems to have a difficult time gaining weight too, and really doesn’t want to be fat; she’s not anorexic or anything, but wants to stay the weight she is. And I don’t really want her to gain weight if she would be unhealthy and such. So it seems like it would be easier/better to change myself than to hope that she changes.

Unfortunately, here in the US, thin already IS the ideal and is glorified. I am wondering if there is some type of counseling or mental exercises that would help me. Or something else; I’m not sure.

I guess on the positive side, if she ever DOES gain weight that she can’t lose, we won’t have to worry about it causing relationship problems 🙂

[Anonymous]

I have an updated for you. Since we spoke last and in the past, I have seen test messages from my boyfriend to other women. In the past, he had taken someone out on a date and she sent him a message saying it was nice, but no thanks. I confronted him about this and he denied it. Just recently, I saw a similar text message conversation where he in fact asked this woman out to dinner and she accepted. I was curious to see if he was still listed online (that’s where we met, a dating website) and he was still there but not active. To make a long story short, we are supposed to be in a committed relationship. He says he does not cheat but all this flirting with other women and asking women out, is not acceptable to me. He told me this week he wants me to move in this summer and how can I actually do that when I do not trust this man. I have been feeling this way for sometime and I have been ignoring all these little warning signs April. I was in a failed marriage before and I seem to fall for these “con artist” types. I want to break up with him but how? We broke up before and he sucked me back in. Thanks so much!

[Anonymous]

First off.. thank you for responding

To answer your question.. no, that did not help to be honest. It’s so hard to explain online. I have been with the girl for 2 years now. I was hoping you were going to say “this is a common thing and help me to see it another way” OR “your being stupid, this is life get over it”. The “one night stand” thing happened once, and I couldn’t name a friend (girl or guy) who hasn’t had that happen.. I understand we are human. I just have a horrible way of dealing with past guys any of the girls I get really serious with. For instance you mentioned online dating, I’m not a fan. BUT, I screen the crap out of girls before I date them. I learn how many guys she has been with and get a general consensus of how she is viewed as a person by other friends I have that know her. I don’t want to waste my time, you know? It isn’t until I realize I actually like the girl, that I am like.. “ok, soo who were the guys?” and then it’s like.. “well what happened?” And of course she is all confused and will always respond “why does this matter?”, “where is this coming from?”, “this is just weird, do we really need to talk about this?”. And I continue with just really stupid questions I will start to ask… some I have even asked before but NOW we are 6 months deep in a relationship and I mix up my emotions and blah blah blah.. I’m a mess when it comes to this. I feel like I just need to rewire my way of thinking.. I feel as if I am the only one of my friends that goes through this. That is what I was asking for. Does that help? 😕

[Anonymous]

I used to be involved with this guy in an on and off relationship for the past year and a half. This winter break we got into a huge fight about commitment and emotional attachment in which he told me that we couldnt be together due to the fact that he was “scarred” from his last relationship and was “afraid” of falling in love with me due to the posiblities of his heart being broken again. The two of us have always been best friends whether we were together or not, but this became a very long and drawn out fight lasting over 2 months and consisting of yelling and a whole bunch of tears.

Everytime I felt like the arguing was over, he would bring something up, and provoke me and in turn blame me for cauing another argument. To make matters worse, with my being his “bestfriend” he at two times told me about two different girls that he was “interested” in at the time and expected me to be alright with that, which I wasnt. One night while fighting i told him that I loved him (which I did and still do) and thats why it was hard for me to handle everything that was going on. I asked him to tell me how he felt for the last time and that our future depended on his answer. Obviously, he told me that we were just going to be friends and that he had no love for me more than that of his best friend.

In light of this new information, I decided that it was only right to move on with my life and experience new people. I made an instant connection with this boy and we started talking and eventually seeing eachother on a regular basis. In my happiness, i attempted to tell my “bestfriend” about my good news. Seeing that we were supposed to only be friends I didnt think it would bother him. I was wrong. He got extermely upset and everything just got out of hand. I had new feelings for this new guy but my old guy wasn’t alright with that.

The night before leaving for spring break, my bestfriend confessed to me that he had always had strong feelings for me and that his ill behavior was has horrible way of dealing with it. He expressed how he was now ready to love me and that he wanted nobody but me to be his girlfriend. This all came at a weird time for me because I was still talking to this new guy, but this information somehow jumbled all of my thoughts. After a long time of thinking, I went to my bestfriend and told him that I wanted to be with him, that I had picked him. He was happy, and at that point so was I, I hadn;t talked to my new guy in about 5 days because he was out of the country. Now, about 5 days later, my new guy starts talking to me about how he has feelings for me, so I tried to tell him :i wanted to start out ad friends and hopefully end up as more in the future.” He took it almost to offense and then tried to downplay my feelings for him. I do like him, and now he wont believe me, but even if, I am now stuck between two guys, and my new one now wants to kick me to the curb, but part of me doesn’t want to be, and wants to actually be with him

I’m a high school junior at boarding school, and I really dont know what to do. I know I am still young, but there has to be something that I am missing through all of this. which guy should I go for?

[Anonymous]

I could really use some advice on this subject it’s starting to tare me apart.

Earlier he told me he was going shopping. Something he’s never done in his entire life as far as I know, he’s always made me do it. After he tells me this he gets on the phone and tries to call his brother, I ask why he was calling his brother not like an enforced question but curious since he said he was just going shopping. He then tells me he just wants to hang out with him since he hasn’t in a while. He starts yelling at me asking me why am I being weird and I’m puzzled, I just sit there looking at him asking calmly why is he yelling at me? He rolls his eyes and walk out the door.

Roughly 3 hours later he calls me and tells me he’s going to the movies with his brother and that he’ll be home afterward. He told me he loved me and that’s the last I heard from him and now it’s been about 7 hours total that he’s been gone. I don’t know if I should be pissed off not care.

[Anonymous]

Hi April,
Thank you for your reply to my last issue. The current issue is I have not broken off my relationship with this man totally. We decided to be friends and I think it is hard, yet I feel alone, and he does help me with a lot of emotional issues and we speak of looking to God to send us in the right direction. We agreed to limits to how much we will talk a day because it was getting to be that we were constantly talking or e mailing. In an E mail I mentioned that I was going out to dinner with my mother for Easter dinner, because I get depressed around the holidays , my brother has drinking and emotional issues does not like to sit for long anyway and my grandmother does not talk and is a very uptight person as well as very elderly and her and my mom do not get along well. I am only seeing this gentleman since around Jan. He then calls me and says how are you … you said you were having a rough day and your brother is a little off are you okay… I said yes I am just trying to get some work done ( I am back in school after loosing my job) He then says he made reservations for easter dinner at a particular restauraunt that I had only discussed with my mother… He mentions it and says the name of the place and says he made the reservations for the 3 of us.. then I was like “what”? how did you know I was going there? He said he did not know that he just looked up my town and that restauraunt popped up on yahoo…. then he said he was just kidding he did not make the reservations… now I am confused….at this point like what is he doing? Then I said it was weird he said this name how did he know he insists he did not know it was a coincidence. He said what happened that when he read my e mail and said he got emotional about me going to dinner with my mother for Easter because he was thinking if we were back to boyfriend girlfriend we could of spent it together… but he is a 50 yr old man and I feel this is immature behavior am I wrong? Do you think he has emotional issues? He then explains that he loves me so much but has things in perspective… but how do you love someone so much you only know a few months is that possible.? Also how soon do you think is too soon to sleep with a man? I am 37 and divorced. Not sure what to do he is great with talking about life issues and how to deal with my times of depression, he is loving and caring but sometimes he seems to be a little over board with his feelings at this point and i am not sure really how I feel about him…sometimes I say go with it work the kinks out and other times I feel like I am going crazy trying to figure out all this stuff… I don’t want to make him feel bad for expressing his true feelings but I feel the Easter dinner was something all together a little strange… that he knew the place and he said I never mentioned it and how could we spend a holiday together when we only are trying to see if this relationship we had we took a step back are now friends and trying to concentrate on our individual goals and support eachother as friends. But not sure what to do.

[Anonymous]

I am getting the vibe that maybe you think swinging for any relationship is a bad idea.

Perhaps I should have been a little more clear in my original post. My husband has initially offered a mfm 3some to me but after some consideration we both decided another couple might work out best for many different reasons. So this was a mutual decision and to say it was soley his idea was unfair of me. Naive I am not and I know most men have sexual thoughts and wants about alot of women they come across.
Other than my sex life being so so, our relationship is pretty great. I am 35, been married for 10 years and know my husband for 22 years. I know our sex life weighs on his mind ALOT! I am sure at times he can sense my dissapointment. But I know dealing with a mans sexual issues can be a sore subject which is why I sought advice on how to approach the subject of him feeling rejected. He is a very sensitive person and takes things to heart easily. If he lost all the weight, the idea of another man might not even be necessary. We both might feel an improvement and not feel its necessary. He has been with other women before we became more than friends, but was much thinner at the time so I know his sex life was not an issue then.
So now maybe that I might have answered my own question to some degree, other than the rejection part, you did make me think that you feel swinging is just a bad idea in general for any couple. If so, why?

[Anonymous]

Exactly April, and I’ve just recently learned that guys really are more visual and they are going to check our girls breasts or asses but they are not going to do anything about it.. my boyfriend brought it up to me like a girl isn’t goign to go and say ohh I love the crease in his thigh like guys don’t have asses or breasts and a girl can have the ugliest face and they will still comment on her breasts it’s human nature and I don’t have much of a problem with it because he isn’t gonna do anything about that.. And I also think like you said the space thing is a part of every relationship it’s important for a girl to have her girl’s nights as it is for guys to have their guys nights.. it’s an important distinction.. however, it’s just whether or not they behave which is something i have nothng to worry about..

[Anonymous]

ya I think that’s best.. because I don’t think it’s fair to automatically assume things just because he did it one time and it was in the beginning.. i’ve learned a lot about how different relationships are in the beginning and then when you really know that’s the person you want to be with for a life time.. There are many things about him that are just amazing and I shouldnt be trying to make issues when he really hasn’t given me a reason.. i don’t think I should live my life in fear of him hurting me when he really hasn’t but I believe in every relationship you still have to keep a little bit of your guard up and always be aware of things like you said.. If he gives me a reason then I will care but I can’t live my life in fear or what may happen in ten years when we are married if he hasn;t given me a reason.. and for that reason I am going to continue to just be completely happy because that’s what I am =)

[Anonymous]

wow april this was really good advice and you’re right.. not everything has to be a deal breaker.. in my relationship it’s been a year and we havent had that problem yet but if it does come up I wouldn’t be offended the way I look at it is that I’m going to spend the rest of my life with him and we love being together and spending time together! but it doesn’t mean he is sick of me if he wants to hang out with his friends once a week.. I’m literally with him 7 days a week .. and I have no problemmm with it and he doesn’t either.. and just because once in a while he wants to be with the guys i don’t find it an issue. I think it’s important to still have a LITTLE bit of space… considering we are soo damn close he doesn’t have a big issue with space and I hope it will continue on like this =)

[Anonymous]

He isn’t looking for anyyy romantic relationships or any relationships outside of us… and I agree with the fact that it caught my attention because it is something that deep down I might believe in.. and i’ve mentioned it to him and he is very genuine to me about saying that it’s not something he would do..
It’s just confusing because he hasn’t shown any sign of repeating what happened with his ex so that’s why I wonder if I should just drop it?

[Anonymous]

[quote]So you woke up, felt nothing, and made this post? If so, I’d give it more time than that. Play it out, see how it goes before making any quick decisions. I’ve experienced this before and sometimes it’s stress related, sometimes I’m just having an off day, etc.. If, after more time has passed, you still don’t feel anything for her, the relationship has probably run its course.[/quote]

Yeah that’s true.. I was just really afraid, I never felt like that about anyone before and the fact its the girl I was crazy about the day before made it worst. I’m going to try the relationship out for a few weeks to see if anything changes, hopefully for the better.

[quote]You should be honest with her. She will cry and fell like it was her but try to reassure her its not. it maybe that since your not seeing each other as much and you are not use to being on your own it has changed your feels. If you were to see he 3 times a week do you think your feels would change? Do you feel like your friends instead?[/quote]

Part of me thinks it would change if I was able to see her 3 times a week and part of me thinks it wouldn’t. I still see her as a perfect girl for me which doesn’t add up to why I feel like this.. I feel slightly better today, yesterday I was a mess.

Thanks for both of your responses 🙂 Really appreciate the advice, If something changes I will be sure to post.

[Anonymous]

I have to agree. you must leave. I’m in a situation like yours except I’ve been with my guy for 2.5 years and he lost his high paying job back in june and I’ve been paying for everything. Then all of a sudden things changed. We use to talk about marriage and children but now we cant talk about that. The sex stopped, I take care of everything, we get in arguments over keeping the house clean, asking me for money to spend on stupid things, and he sits home while I work 3 jobs to make ends meet. I kicked him out tonight. I had enough. He should be wanting to provide for me not the other way around. i know if sounds very old fashion but If I’m doing all this work and he is not willing to put forth the effort to contribute then he doesn’t deserve someone as good as me. That’s how I feel about your situation. He knows how good he has it, but doesn’t want to commit to it but doesn’t want you to get the attention from another guy. Time for you to move on. kick him out. I know how hard that is, you’ll feel guilty, sad and go through all kinds of emotions. Time for you to leave him. You’ll feel great.

[Member]

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