[Sally]

Age by itself isn’t the problem here. Timing is. Right now, he’s asking you to wait while he figures out his health, his stability, and his direction. That’s understandable but it also puts your life on pause. And love shouldn’t require you to quietly shrink or stand still for an unknown amount of time.

Love is important, but it’s not enough on its own. The small things you mentioned work, direction, emotional availability they don’t stay small forever. They grow louder with time, not quieter.

You’re not wrong for loving him, and you’re not wrong for questioning this. Waiting only makes sense if there’s movement, not just hope. Pay attention to whether you’re being asked to be a partner… or a placeholder.

[Sally]

This isn’t about a rough patch or money being tight. This is who he is when things get hard — he pulls inward, gets smaller, avoids the world, and expects you to adjust your life around that. And you have adjusted. For years. You’ve paid, stayed home, lowered expectations, and explained away the hurt.

Waiting for him to change “when he makes money again” is risky, because this isn’t just about income. It’s about values, effort, and showing up. Even when things cost nothing like your concerts he still doesn’t show.

He may love you. But love without support slowly drains you. You’re not wrong for feeling stuck. And no, you’re probably not imagining it this bubble feels like it’s been his comfort zone for a long time.
The real question isn’t will he change. It’s whether you can live like this if he doesn’t.

[Sally]

Anonymous gestures almost always land wrong, especially at work. They can feel unsettling instead of flattering, because she has no context and no choice in the interaction. What feels gentle to you can feel heavy to someone else.

If you really want to say something, keep it simple and not secret. Something like, “Hey, I don’t mean this in a weird way, but you have a really positive energy. It made my week.” Then let it go. No follow-up. No expectation.

And if even that feels like too much, it’s okay to keep this one to yourself and let the songs be the place it lives. Not every feeling needs to be delivered to be real.

[Sally]

What he told you hurts because it breaks the story you were living in. For two years, you thought you were building something real. And then he admits he was never fully available, never fully honest, and kept one foot in another life the whole time. That’s a brutal thing to hear, especially when the connection felt deep and intense.

Here’s the hard truth, said gently: you didn’t imagine the chemistry, the laughter, or the closeness. Those moments were real. But real moments don’t always mean real commitment. He was living in chaos, juggling women, kids, guilt, and avoidance. You became the place where he escaped, not the place he chose.

Wanting to stay friends right now is coming from shock and fear, not clarity. Staying close will keep reopening the wound. His breakdown, his confusion, his pain those are not yours to carry. He made choices. He lied. And now he’s facing the fallout.
You didn’t lose a soulmate. You lost someone who couldn’t meet you honestly. Please give yourself space. Not to punish him but to save yourself.

[Sally]

What hurts isn’t just that she’s leaving. It’s that this pattern keeps repeating. When life gets hard or uncertain, she runs toward escape and adventure, then comes back when the dust settles and the fear hits. That doesn’t mean she didn’t love you. It means she doesn’t know how to build a stable life with someone yet.

You’re right to feel like she chose something else over you, because in a real way, she did. Not another person but a lifestyle where she doesn’t have to commit, compromise, or slow down. Calling you baby while sending out her CV was her wanting comfort without choosing you.

That’s the part you’re grieving. Not just her, but the future you thought you were building together.
You didn’t fail here. You just wanted roots, and she still wants wings. That mismatch hurts like hell, but it’s not something love alone fixes.
Let yourself be sad. Just don’t let this convince you that asking for stability was wrong. It wasn’t.

[Sally]

He pulled away, and then he wrapped it in pretty, emotional words so it wouldn’t look as harsh. The moment he said his interest wasn’t there anymore and that he didn’t want to be in a relationship, that was the message. Everything after that the sweet texts, the grandfather story, the poetic goodbye was him trying to leave without feeling like the bad guy.

You weren’t being played in a sneaky, evil way. But you were being emotionally led on while he figured himself out, and you were doing all the emotional work. Fighting with your dad, apologizing for things that weren’t yours to fix, tiptoeing around his moods that’s not partnership. That’s you bending while he checked out.

The tattooist isn’t the real issue. The real issue is that when things got uncomfortable, he shut down, got defensive, and chose distance instead of reassurance.
What should you do now? Take him at his word, not his tone. He’s stepping away. Let him. Don’t chase closure from someone who already decided to detach. You didn’t lose anything real you saved yourself from staying where you’d always be the one trying harder.
You weren’t wrong. You were just loving someone who couldn’t meet you where you stood.

[Sally]

Yes two years is a long time. Long enough that meeting his family shouldn’t still feel like a mystery or a favor. The excuses keep changing, and the pattern stays the same: he controls when, where, and how much of his life you’re allowed to see. That’s the part that matters.

It’s not really about the house, or his parents, or embarrassment. It’s about him keeping that part of his world separate. When someone wants a future with you, they don’t hide entire chapters of their life. They don’t keep you away indefinitely and call it “going slow.”

You’re not asking for marriage tomorrow. You’re asking to know the man you’re dating. That’s reasonable.

If you don’t speak up now and ask clearly what’s going on and what timeline he actually sees this will stay exactly like this. And deep down, I think you already know you don’t want to be wondering forever.

[Sally]

Financial stress can mess with someone’s head and emotions, especially for men who tie their self-worth to providing. So yes, that could be part of what’s going on. But blocking you, asking for space, and saying he’s confused about love are bigger than just money. When someone pulls away like that, it usually means they’re overwhelmed and don’t know how to show up anymore.

What hurts most is that you’re still trying while he’s shutting doors. You can care, but you can’t chase someone who’s asking to be alone. That only makes you feel smaller and more anxious.

Right now, the best thing you can do even though it’s the hardest is stop pushing. Let him have the space he asked for. Not to punish him, but to protect your heart. If he comes back, it should be because he chose to, not because you held everything together alone.
You’re not wrong for loving him. Just don’t lose yourself waiting in silence.

[Sally]

What’s happening here isn’t just co-parenting. He’s still financially and emotionally entangled with his ex in ways that go way beyond what’s needed for the child. Paying her car, phone, insurance, sharing a bank account, daily long phone calls that is still acting like a couple. Calling it “for the child” doesn’t automatically make it healthy or fair to you.

You’re not wrong for feeling uneasy. And you’re not trying to replace the child’s mother. Being constantly reminded that you’re “not his mom” is unnecessary and hurtful. You’re his partner, and you deserve respect in your own home.

Here’s the hard truth: this won’t get better unless he is willing to change how he handles boundaries with her. Not you trusting harder. Not you swallowing it. He has to untangle his life from hers if he wants a future with you.

Before you get married, this needs to be addressed clearly. Ask him what life looks like after marriage. Separate finances. Limited, child-focused communication. Real boundaries. If he can’t or won’t do that, you need to seriously pause and ask yourself what you’re signing up for.
You’re not being jealous. You’re asking for a place that actually feels like first place.

[Sally]

It’s understandable that you’re confused, because emotionally this connection feels strong. Long conversations and talking about marriage and kids can make it feel very real.

But after a year and a half, the things that are missing matter. Someone who is serious usually finds ways to include you in their real life, even from a distance.
Not meeting any friends or family, never visiting on holidays, and not doing small things like a birthday card or flowers aren’t small oversights they’re signs of emotional distance.

Talking about a future is not the same as building one. Before you invest any more of yourself, it’s fair to ask for real steps, not just words.
If he can’t show up in concrete ways, then as painful as it is, that tells you where you truly stand.

[Sally]

She likes you. That part is real. She brings you around her people, calls you a couple, talks about future plans. But she’s also protecting herself. Saying she “doesn’t want a relationship” while acting like she’s in one usually means fear, not confusion. She wants the closeness without the label because labels feel risky to her.

The problem is how that lands on you. You’re starting to feel invisible and taken for granted, and that’s important. When you asked for clarity, she dodged. That tells you she’s not ready to meet you where you are.

You don’t have to force her. Just be honest one more time. Tell her what you need to keep going. If she can’t give that, walking away will hurt but staying stuck will hurt more.

[Sally]

She likes you. That part is real. She brings you around her people, calls you a couple, talks about future plans. But she’s also protecting herself. Saying she “doesn’t want a relationship” while acting like she’s in one usually means fear, not confusion. She wants the closeness without the label because labels feel risky to her.

The problem is how that lands on you. You’re starting to feel invisible and taken for granted, and that’s important. When you asked for clarity, she dodged. That tells you she’s not ready to meet you where you are.

You don’t have to force her. Just be honest one more time. Tell her what you need to keep going. If she can’t give that, walking away will hurt but staying stuck will hurt more.

[Sally]

Losing your sex drive after a hysterectomy is more common than people admit, and it messes with your confidence in a deep way. Your body went through something real. You didn’t just wake up different one day.

What hurts the most here isn’t just the porn it’s that it makes you feel replaced, unwanted, and less than, especially when you’re already feeling vulnerable. That pain is valid. At the same time, his porn use isn’t necessarily about you or your body. For a lot of people, it’s about release and habit, not connection. But when it’s hidden and blamed on you, it turns into something damaging.

This cycle won’t fix itself by arguing. You need a calm, honest talk where you explain that you’re not withholding sex to punish him you’re struggling physically and emotionally. And he needs to stop framing his behavior as your fault.

If you can, talk to a doctor about hormone changes and libido. And if he cares, he should be willing to slow down, be patient, and rebuild intimacy without pressure. Love isn’t just sex. It’s feeling safe while you heal.

[Sally]

I’m really proud of you for leaving. I know that wasn’t easy, especially being pregnant. The fact that you feel more at peace now tells you something important your body and heart needed safety.

You’re not wrong for wanting less contact. After verbal and physical abuse, protecting your space is not punishment, it’s survival. If email feels safest, it’s okay to set that rule. You can tell him clearly, once, that for your health and the baby’s health, all communication needs to be in writing or through a mediator. If he ignores that, that’s on him not you.

A mediator is a very good idea. It creates structure and keeps emotions from turning into harm. You’re already doing the right thing by working with a social worker. Let them help guide the legal and visitation side so you don’t have to carry it alone.
You’re not being cruel. You’re being careful. And right now, that’s exactly what you and your baby need.

[Sally]

The message wasn’t hidden. It just hurts too much to look at straight on. He told you, clearly, that he doesn’t want the relationship, doesn’t want to live together, and doesn’t want to work on things. Calling you “tolerable” and saying he stays only because things might magically work one day isn’t love it’s avoidance. He’s choosing comfort and stability over honesty, and he’s asking you to carry the emotional weight while he waits to see if life fixes itself.

When he says he wants things to stay the same because they might get better, what he really means is that he doesn’t want to make a decision. He doesn’t want to leave, and he doesn’t want to try. That leaves you stuck in limbo, slowly shrinking.

You’re not wrong for wanting to save your family. But a family can’t be saved by one person alone. Your heart telling you to leave isn’t giving up it’s protecting you. Sometimes the bravest thing you can do for your kids is show them what self-respect looks like.

[Member]

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