April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › How to deal with cancellation?
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Sue.
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December 2, 2011 at 1:43 pm #4649
Sue
ParticipantHow do I deal with cancellation in my brief long distance relationship? I had plans for New Years Eve with a guy I met online and have just started dating. Last night he sent me an e-mail which states in pertinent part:
My sister called last night and invited me to spend New years wknd with her and her family. She moved last year and I haven’t seen her for since last Christmas. I’d like to go but I don’t feel like we have been dating long enough to take you yet. What do you think? If we don’t go to XXXX that weekend would you want to go sometime in Jan or Feb?
I obviously don’t want to spend time with someone who’d rather be somewhere else. My impulse is to not respond at all, but I don’t want to appear immature or bitter due to personal pride.
What should I do/not do in this situation? Thanks!
December 2, 2011 at 4:47 pm #20934jade
ParticipantSeems he’s being honest with you. Perhaps he could have just told you he needed to change the plans with no further details, but instead he’s giving you [i]a lot[/i] [i]of info[/i] and also, kind of asking your permission.🙄 He wants your approval to do something that he wants to do, which can be a bit annoying, yes? (Read: he doesn’t want you to get mad at him).With that being said, New Year’s Eve is a pretty loaded night for a new relationship. And he’s not so invested in this relationship that he feels he has to spend that night with you…yet. Maybe he re-thought it and isn’t ready to take that step. He’s letting you know in plenty of time to make other plans. That’s good. And he’s framing it as “re-scheduling” not canceling. So, without
[i]you[/i] investing so much, if you like him, take the high road, be generous, and give him the benefit of the doubt! A pleasant but non-committal reply such as “Have a great time enjoying your family!” should do it. Who wouldn’t want to be wished well when it comes to spending time with family? And it costs so little to send a quick email or text. Then go on with your life! Make such great New Year’s plans for yourself that should he hear of them, he’ll wish he was there!😆 Then, in a detached kind of way, observe what happens next. If he follows through in January, great. If not, then what have you invested? Not so much.😀 December 5, 2011 at 6:41 pm #21087April Masini
KeymasterHow old are you both? How long have you been dating?
How often do you see each other?
How far apart is the long distance?
December 6, 2011 at 8:30 pm #21170ParticipantI am 45; he is 50. BTW, we are each divorced. My relationship with my ex-husband has been over for 2 years (divorced for 1 year) and he’s been divorced for 5 years. We’ve been e-mailing and talking on the phone since early August. We went on two in-person dates in November which involved him driving to my city and staying in a hotel (alone, of course)
We live 5 hours apart
The obvious concern is that he’s lying and is married, but he’s told me to call or visit him any time. Of course, I never call him! I haven’t visited him either, nor have I picked up the hint. However, I don’t think he’d mention these possibilities openly if he had something to hide. But for those two things, I’d be suspicous.
My ax to grind is that he is not honoring his plans with me which, of course, I cannot make him do. To me there is no excuse for that (short of hospitalization), not that he needs one. I can’t lecture him or make him do anything. I agree with him that it is too soon for me to go with him to his sister’s, but my view is that he should honor his plans with me and see her some other time.
😥 He told me this via e-mail 5 nights ago. He ended his e-mail with small talk questions like, “Are you ready for Christmas?” presumably trying to provoke a response. I don’t want to seem immature or bitter by not responding, but I haven’t responded because I don’t know what to say.
❓ As far as his re-scheduling is concerned, I don’t want to make plans to go anywhere with him at the present time. Why would I make new plans with him when he’s just cancelled the plans we did have?!
If I take the high road, and just say “have fun” am I not telling him it is okay for him to cancel on me any time? On the other hand, I can’t scold him or tell him not to do it again either.
What I’d like to do is salvage this and get him to want to see me, if not New Years Eve, then some other time, but how do I do that?!
😕 What should I do? Forgetting him is an option worth considering, but I’d rather get him to shape up!😳 Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.December 7, 2011 at 9:33 pm #21149KeymasterThank you for the extra information. 😉 My advice is to play the field if you’re not already. You’re investing too much energy into someone who’s taken you on two dates. It’s understandable that you’d want a New Year’s Eve date — and I think you should have one! If he’s not available, I’m sure someone else will want to ask you out or maybe you’ll get invited to a great party and you can trick yourself out to look amazing and hot and flirt with eligible men!If he wants you, he’s going to have to chase you, and if he thinks you’re worth chasing he won’t be spending New Year’s Eve with his sister.
🙄 Instead of being upset at him, start looking for someone else and if this guy steps up his game and decides to try and win you over, give him a second chance — if you have the time.😉 Read Think & Date Like A Man,
[url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] 😀 Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link:
[url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url] December 8, 2011 at 9:58 am #20467ParticipantHey, thanks. Am I right to not respond? It’s been a week ago today since the last e-mail between us – the one he sent to me.
If I should respond, what should I say?
Thanks again!!
December 8, 2011 at 4:37 pm #21140KeymasterI wouldn’t respond if I were you. Let him chase you! Read Think & Date Like A Man, and you’ll get the low down on how to handle this type of situation: [url]http://www.askapril.com/relationship-dating-advice/think-and-date-like-a-man.html [/url] 😀 -
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