[April Masini, your AskApril]

There is a reason your husband asked you not to come to his father’s funeral. It could be the expense of overseas travel or maybe there’s an uncomfortable dynamic going on between you and your husband that is affecting him more than he lets on, or perhaps you and his family have always bickered. I’m guessing because you haven’t given me any clues — but clearly there is something else you’re not telling me because you’re right, this isn’t normal. I think that you have to talk to your husband and tell him you’re hurt and you really want to understand why he asked you not to attend your father-in-law’s funeral. Without this conversation, you’re just going to be guessing and hurting, so roll up your sleeves and do the relationship work. 😉 To stop hurting you have to understand the reason for the slight. I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it! So you’re 28, he’s 29 and you’ve moved in together 10 weeks ago, after dating for a year — and you’ve learned your boyfriend uses marijuana six to eight times a day. You’ve been upfront with him about how unhappy you are about this and it hasn’t worked. Now, you want my advice, and I’m happy to give it to you. This is who he is. He’s an adult with a medical career in front of him, and he’s making his choices with your input. The ball is in your court as much as you’ve tried to put it in his. If this is a relationship deal breaker for you, now is the time to acknowledge this and move on. If it’s not a deal breaker, then you are the one who has to work around this habit because he’s made it clear he’s not changing. Try to let go of judgment and see this as a puzzle to solve. You can hire a housekeeper for the messiness, but the marijuana use against your wishes is his choice. The pieces are in front of you and you don’t like them, but it’s your life and you’re not a victim. Your move. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

You’ve only been dating for three months — which isn’t a long time. Usually, I suggest you date someone for three months, while playing the field at the same time, so you can figure out if this is someone you want to continue dating. It sounds like you do want to continue dating her, but she doesn’t since she’s stopped dating you to get back together with her ex of nine years. If you can compete for her and try to win her over, then you should do that! 😎 You’ll have competition, but that just means you need to bring your A game. But…. if she’s not interested in seeing you at all, the break is no different from a break up. The reality is that when her ex saw that she was dating you, he may have realized what he’d lost and got his own A game together to win her back. So if you can win her back, do so, but if she won’t date you at all, it’s best to play the field and see who else is out there for you. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So, you’re both 23 and you’ve been dating for six months now. Here’s my advice:

If you don’t want a boyfriend who is careless and indecisive, and you’re dating a boyfriend who is careless and indecisive, then find a new one. 😉 You’re trying to get him to change, he’s not changing, and you’re upset. Break the pattern and change your own behavior instead of trying to get him to change his. 😉

Second, if he has a job with a salary and he’s broke — something isn’t right. Either he’s spending more than he makes, which isn’t a great quality 😕 or he is in a job that isn’t compatible with his lifestyle. Either way, he’s making choices that have created this life for himself. If you pay for 90% of his travel when the two of you go on trips, and now you’re mad that you did that, you have to change your own behavior — not try to change his. Next time, don’t pay for his travel, and if he can’t afford to go on trips, then accept that this is who he is right now. You have choices and are not a victim! 😎

In both of these questions, I think that the solution has to do with you and choices you’re making. If you want someone who is responsible and direct and who has a promising career and makes good money, then you should choose someone with those qualities. It’s unfair to you and to him to chose him and then wish he was different. 😉

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

So you’re 34 and your ex-boyfriend is 36 and you want to know how to get over a break up after dating for about a year. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out, and breakups are painful. 🙁 The best way to move on is to first, try and process the breakup. This is a guy who didn’t even break up with you face to face. This is disrespectful and not very mature. Given that, there would probably have been other situations down the line, had you stayed together, where he’d have been disrespectful and immature as well. You may have broken up over something else if it wasn’t about this issue with his cousin, given his character. A lack of respect and immaturity are two tough obstacles in any relationship, so think about how this probably wouldn’t have gone the long run, given what you’re now figuring out about him.

Next, you have to balance processing the breakup with moving on. Take care of yourself and see friends and family members who are supportive. Go to the gym, start new hobbies and projects and throw parties. Really put the spotlight on yourself so you don’t wallow in sadness. These steps will help you get past the pain of a breakup.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. You’re both 19 and this was your first kiss – and it was not all that you’d hoped for, although the kissing is getting better. Here’s my advice: Relax and slow down. I think you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to perform and it’s keeping you from enjoying the romantic and sexualized part of the relationship. Since you’re both still teenagers and you’re new to all of this, take sex off the table for now. Just date, make out, hold hands and get to know each other. Kissing and all other things that are sexual, take practice. When you force yourself to meet goals, you’re creating discomfort. That kind of pressure can definitely affect your sex drive, so just give yourself a break, and enjoy the relationship. Wait a few more months before even thinking about more. For now, slow down, enjoy and get to know each other. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

I’m not sure what your question is….

[April Masini, your AskApril]

She likes you! 🙂 And when she tells you she’s ugly, which she obviously isn’t, it’s a cue for you to tell her she’s not ugly at all — she’s very attractive. In other words, this is her way of fishing for compliments. Hope that helps you understand the relationship dynamic that’s going on. 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

It sounds like what you’re trying to say is that you’re striking out with the ladies. 😉 No worries. You’re not alone. Dating is a process and it requires skill. Your questions are very academic and this forum is geared for specific situations. So, if you want to ask me about a particular relationship and not just how to date, in general, I’m more than happy to answer that! If you want to buy and read [b]Date Out of Your League[/b], a book I wrote for men who want to win with women, that might help you and you can read it at your leisure. Here’s the link to purchase. [url]https://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0974676306/qid=1075191419/sr=1-1[/url]. I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you wrote that you’re 28 and he’s 27 and you’re in a committed relationship of three months with this guy. The problem is that three months isn’t enough time to have a commitment, and I think you’re trying to impose one on the relationship, while he’s just playing the field. My advice is to hang back. Don’t have “the talk” about the relationship any more. Guys hate this talk, and it makes them feel pressured. Instead, understand a typical timeline: Use the first three months of dating to decide if you want to continue seeing the person. Assume he’s doing the same. Use the second three months of dating to decide if you want to be monogamous or not. Assume he’s doing the same. If he loses interest, dial up your girlfriend game. Be the girlfriend who gets the guy because she’s the prize he wants. His loss of interest is a signal that either you’re not bringing your A game or he’s just not that interested. If he’s not that interested, it may be because his work and the rest of his life is time consuming and this is his normal, even though it’s not yours. Or, he’s just not that into you. But if you don’t bring your A game, you won’t know. I hope that helps. 🙂

[April Masini, your AskApril]

In your pre-posting questionnaire, you wrote that you’re 30 and your husband is 33 and you’ve been together for a year, and long-distance for a month. Your husband doesn’t like you holding hands with your brother — so why not just stop? It seems like a small kindness you can do for your husband. 😉 And if he is jealous of your male colleagues and college friends, why not restrict your social life to your female friends as long as you and your husband are long distance? You didn’t mention how long the two of you are going to be long distance or why you’re long distance, but if you’ve only been married for a year or less, it would seem like these little things he’s asking for might be a temporary gift to him from you. When you live together, not long distance, then maybe you can invite him along with your male friends and their wives or girlfriends, so it isn’t as threatening to him. It sounds like these feelings he’s having are about the distance, and once that’s solved, you may not have this problem.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Because you say you’ve had bad dating experiences since you divorced, four years ago, why not go for a good one? It sounds like you’re just going to repeat that bad dating experience pattern here. This guy is married. He was married when you dated him three years ago, and he didn’t leave his wife for you. In fact, the opposite occurred. He left you for his wife. 😕 Now, you’re interested in pursuing a relationship again, and you’re wondering if he’ll leave his wife this time, when he tells you he will, but still has her on his social media as his wife. The simple answer is that he’s not available. You’ll have a much better experience looking for someone who’s single and available. I know it’s tough and it’s a lot easier to date people you already know, or have dated, because they’re familiar and sometimes less scary because they’re familiar. Well, the good stuff in life doesn’t come easy. It comes after smart dating and doing the work. So, my advice is to play the field and find someone who’s available. If this guy ever does divorce, then he’ll be available, but right now, he doesn’t look like a good bet or investment of your time. 😉 I hope that helps.

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. You’re 20 and he’s 26 and you’ve known each other for a year, but haven’t had a date yet because you live in different parts of the world. I think that since you’re not dating in person, what’s said between you online or on the phone isn’t as important as if there had been a real life date or a series of real life dates. At age 26, if he hasn’t dated you in real life yet, after a year, chances are he’s into fantasy. If you love him, and the online/long-distance/no-real life aspect of this relationship, why not simply overlook his fantasizing about a future together? You can correct him if you want, but since there is no in life dating, it’s not like his fantasizing has a good chance of becoming reality. Especially since you’re not into “happily ever after,” and have told him so. The other piece of advice I’d offer is: why not look for someone to date who’s available to be with you in person? Since you’re going to be an academic student for the next decade, and colleges and universities are full of single people who are available to date, take advantage of this great situation you’re in! 😉

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it. So, you started dating your boyfriend six months ago, while he was living with his wife, and then a few months ago, he separated from her and moved in with you — into a place that he is paying for. Now, however, you’re fearful that he’ll get back together with his wife and you’re reluctant to break up with him because he’s supporting you and you don’t want to lose the set up he’s providing.

You’ve put yourself in a tough spot. Simply dating a married guy reduces your odds of things working out, considerably. There’s plenty of dating competition normally, but choosing a man who already has a wife and kids doesn’t give you the upper hand. And this guy isn’t even divorcing. He’s just trying out separation. So that’s gotta be tough for you. The other problem you have besides competition from his wife, is your own career and money problems. I know you want to stay with him because he’s paying for things, but it’s not a great position for you to be in. When you stay with someone for financial reasons — especially after only six months of dating — your romantic decisions aren’t clear. When married couples stay together because of retirement plans, real estate or kids, that’s a lot different than you not wanting to leave a six month relationship because you don’t want to give up his financial support. Why not get a job? Or roommates? Or move back with family until you can get on your feet. Since you’re 27, I bet you’ve had jobs before and you can get them again. 😉

Bottom line: Your fear is grounded reality. In other words, it’s valid. He probably will get back together with his wife, and if he doesn’t, I don’t think you’ll be his last girlfriend. 🙁 I’m sorry that this probably isn’t what you wanted to hear, but the best thing you can do is trust your instincts and work on being independent.

I hope that helps!

[April Masini, your AskApril]

Got it — you’re 29 and he’s 30 and you broke up after two years because he lost interest in the relationship and it didn’t seem to have any forward motion. All that makes sense. That he disconnected you from his social media also makes a lot of sense given the break up. Lots of people do this to help themselves move on, and I think he was right to do this. Seeing an ex on social media can be a painful reminder that you’re not together and that one or both of you are moving on, or are dating again. During a break up there’s often a need for boundaries and space to help one and/or both of you to move on. That you’re upset about it is just because it’s like the scab of the breakup being picked at again, now that you see another place in the world where the two of you are not together any more — even as social media buddies. It’s normal and the pain will help you move on.

You’re at an age where it sounds like you’re looking for marriage, and it’s good to have a goal that you’re clear on. But make sure that when you start dating again, that you focus on that goal. Lots of times people pull the wool over their own eyes about problems in the relationship, hoping they can will changes. If you have deal breakers between you, move on. And if only one of you wants to be in the relationship and work on it, as painful as that is, it’s a big clue that a break up is coming.

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