[Sally]

This is one of those quiet deal-breaker questions that sneaks up on you. Loving someone deeply doesn’t erase the fact that wanting kids and not wanting kids are two very different futures. Hoping he’ll change his mind is risky, because he’s actually been pretty clear with you while sober. If he does change, it has to be because he truly wants that life, not because he doesn’t want to lose you.

What hurts is that everything else feels right, and walking away feels unbearable. I get that. But staying while slowly letting go of a dream you know matters to you can turn into resentment later, even if you don’t mean it to.

You don’t have to leave tomorrow. Just don’t ignore the question either. Love should include the future you want to wake up to, not the one you quietly give up.

[Sally]

From the outside, it does sound like she feels something for you. Holding hands everywhere, sleeping in the same bed, cuddling, asking about marriage and kids that’s not nothing. At the same time, the constant talk about her ex and the hesitancy with labels or deeper intimacy tells me she’s still emotionally untangling herself. She may like you a lot but not be fully ready yet.

I don’t think you’re imagining things, and I don’t think being “too nice” is the problem. The risk is staying silent out of fear and slowly putting yourself in the friend box again. You don’t need to rush her or pressure her, but you do need honesty. A calm, gentle conversation about how you’re starting to feel and asking where her head is could save you a lot of quiet hurt.

Just don’t keep giving boyfriend-level energy without clarity forever.

[Sally]

I’m going to be very honest with you, because kids are involved. This woman is not emotionally committed to you. Someone who is still in love with another man, talks about him constantly, calls and texts him in secret, and says she would only cry if he died is not choosing you. A tattoo of his name isn’t the problem her heart being somewhere else is. Marriage will not fix that. It will lock you into pain.

I understand why you’re staying. You want to protect your children. But growing up in a home where one parent isn’t truly present causes its own kind of suffering. Kids feel that tension.

You can be a responsible father without marrying someone who doesn’t love you the way you deserve. Don’t confuse duty with a lifetime sentence.

[Sally]

I want to be honest with you, gently. What you went through before him was intense losing your dad, losing your first love, feeling that low and then this relationship started fast while you were hurting. He didn’t just become your boyfriend, he became your safety net. That can make love feel huge, but it can also make it feel confusing.
The part that worries me isn’t the age gap or moving in quickly as much as the accusations and control. Him questioning your clothes, accusing you of cheating, those intense arguments that stuff chips away at you over time. Love shouldn’t make you feel watched or misunderstood.

You’re not weak for loving him. And you’re not wrong for wondering if this will last. You don’t have to decide everything right now. Just ask yourself this quietly: do you feel more like yourself with him, or smaller?
You deserve a love that feels steady, not scary half the time.

[Sally]

Sometimes someone can be an amazing partner and still not be the right romantic match for your body. That doesn’t mean the love isn’t real. It just means the connection is uneven. The fact that sex feels uncomfortable and like something you want to get over with is important. That’s not a small detail, even if everything else feels safe and good.

At the same time, it’s also okay that this is confusing. He was your first everything. You didn’t have a comparison, so you tried to push past the doubts and hope they’d disappear. A lot of people do that. But now your heart is asking a question you can’t ignore anymore.

This might be something that could improve with honest conversation, time, or even learning together. Or it might be your body telling you this is more of a deep friendship than a lifelong partnership. Neither answer makes you the bad guy.

You don’t have to decide today. Just don’t keep forcing yourself to feel something your body is resisting. Love shouldn’t feel like bracing yourself.

[Sally]

When someone goes quiet like that, it messes with your head. I’ve been there. When you’re the only one reaching out, you start feeling needy even though you’re just trying to stay connected.

The part that sticks out to me is that he already brought up letting you go. People usually don’t say that unless something inside them is already halfway out the door. Him saying he wants the relationship, but not really showing it, leaves you doing all the emotional work. That gets exhausting fast.

Being tired and busy can be real, but if someone wants you in their life, you still feel it. You don’t feel like an afterthought.
I don’t think you need to fight harder. I think you need to listen to how this feels. Love shouldn’t feel this lonely.

[Sally]

You don’t sound selfish. You sound tired.Wanting effort, planning, and to feel chosen isn’t some big, crazy ask. Two years in and you’re still borrowing him money, buying gifts for his family, and waiting weeks for basic follow-through. That starts to feel less like a partner and more like a responsibility. I’ve lived that. It slowly kills attraction, even if you still care.
The money stuff, the guilt trips, the moodiness when you say no to sex… that’s a lot to carry, especially when you’re already dealing with depression yourself. Love shouldn’t feel like parenting someone or begging for crumbs of romance.
The spark fading isn’t random. It’s information.
You don’t have to decide everything today. Just be honest with yourself about how long you can live like this without losing more of you.

[Sally]

I don’t think you imagined it. I think she did feel something. But feeling something and choosing it are two different things. Right now she’s half in, half looking back, and that’s why you feel so confused. Anyone would. Being pulled close and then kept at arm’s length messes with your head.

The hardest part is that she’s not being straight with you. The hiding, the stories that don’t line up, the prom thing while pulling away… that’s not kindness, even if she doesn’t mean to hurt you.

About the letter. I get why you want to write it. Just be honest with yourself about why. If it’s to finally say your truth and let it go, that can be okay. If it’s to change her mind, that’s a lot to put on paper.

Sometimes loving someone means accepting they can’t meet you where you are. That realization sucks. But it’s also how you stop bleeding slowly.

[Sally]

First love can take over your whole body, not just your heart, and when it’s taken away suddenly it feels like you can’t breathe.
But I need to be real with you, in a caring way. She’s 14. Her dad isn’t being cruel here, he’s being protective. Even if your feelings are real, this situation puts her under a lot of fear and pressure, and that’s not something love is supposed to do. Sneaking, threats, her being terrified to talk to you… that’s already hurting both of you.

What you’re feeling doesn’t mean she’s the only one for you forever. It means this connection became your whole world too fast. That happens when you’re young and lonely and finally feel seen.

The hardest thing and the kindest thing is to step back and let this pause. Not forever. Just now. You don’t lose love by letting go of control. Sometimes that’s how you protect it, and yourself.
You’re not broken. You’re just hurting. And this pain won’t always be this loud.

[Sally]

This isn’t just about sex for you, it’s about trust, culture, and the picture you had in your head of him. Finding out he hid this hurts, especially when honesty matters so much where you’re from. At the same time, what he did happened before you. He didn’t cheat on you, and it doesn’t mean what you share now is fake. A lot of people hide parts of their past because they’re scared of being judged or losing someone they love. That doesn’t make it okay, but it does make it human.

What matters is how you feel going forward. If the thoughts won’t stop and you feel sick or resentful, that’s something to listen to. Love can survive a past, but only if you can truly accept it. You don’t have to decide everything right now. Give yourself time to breathe and feel what you feel.

[Sally]

This situation would mess with anyone’s head. What you’re in right now feels like a relationship without the safety of one. He gets the closeness, the sex, the emotional comfort, and the exclusivity, but he doesn’t have to fully choose you. That’s why it feels so uneven. Saying you’re just friends while acting like a couple is him protecting himself from getting hurt again, but it leaves you stuck in limbo.

Waiting around hoping he’ll change his mind usually just stretches the pain out longer. And trying to make him jealous won’t fix the real issue either. If he wanted to be with you officially, he would already be saying it clearly. Love shouldn’t feel like guessing.

You don’t have to cut him off today, but you do need to be honest with yourself about how long you can live like this without losing your self-respect.

[Sally]

You didn’t imagine what you had. He helped you plan, involved the kids, talked about a future, and then pulled the rug out fast. That kind of switch leaves shock behind, not just sadness.

What likely happened is fear took over him the moment real life got messy. His child situation reminded him that blending lives isn’t simple, and instead of facing that with you, he shut the door. That doesn’t mean you weren’t worthy or capable. It means he panicked.

The hardest part is the kids. That’s real pain, and it’s okay to be angry about that. But confronting him probably won’t bring the relief you want. He already chose distance.
You didn’t fail here. You trusted someone who showed you a future, then couldn’t stand in it. Right now, protecting your kids and yourself matters more than answers he may never give.

[Sally]

Finding something like that when you’re trying to do something sweet can flip your stomach fast. But slow down for a second before you decide what it means. A book like that doesn’t automatically mean he’s looking for someone else. A lot of people carry old tools from before a relationship and never clean them out. Same with the journals and self-improvement stuff. That could all be about his own confidence, not about replacing you.

What matters more is how he treats you now, not what’s sitting in a briefcase. The hypnosis thing and not wanting to explain it does feel distant, though, and it’s okay to notice that. You don’t have to accuse him or confess snooping. You can just say you’re feeling a little uneasy and want to understand what he’s working through. If you can’t talk openly, that’s the bigger issue.

[Sally]

I know you said no judgment, and I mean that. I can hear how badly you want this to make sense.
Here’s the hard truth, said gently. He might care about you, but his actions aren’t showing real commitment. Getting on Tinder while he’s with you, texting another girl behind your back, then crying when he gets caught… that’s not love in action. That’s fear of being alone mixed with wanting options. People can cry and still be dishonest. Those two things can exist at the same time.

The part that worries me most isn’t even the other girl. It’s that you don’t feel safe or calm anymore. You’re questioning yourself, your gut, and your worth. Love isn’t supposed to feel like detective work. His family stress, money problems, depression, and drug use explain his behavior, but they don’t excuse it.

You’re not crazy for wanting to stay. But ask yourself this quietly: if nothing changed, how long could you live like this without losing yourself? That answer matters more than his words right now.

[Sally]

This kind of confusion is more common than people admit. Especially when you’re shy and most of the connection has been through chatting.
What I hear is that you like him, but your body hasn’t caught up yet. Being nervous on dates, feeling awkward with touch, running out of things to say face-to-face that doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t real. It usually just means you’re anxious and putting pressure on yourself to feel a certain way. The fact that you still want to see him, and that his hug actually felt good in that moment, matters.

Three months isn’t a long time. Some connections warm up slowly in person, especially for quiet people. The real question is whether the awkwardness feels like something that could soften with time, or something that makes you tense every time.

You don’t have to force clarity right now. Take the pressure off. Go slower. If it starts to feel safer instead of heavier, that’s your answer.

[Member]

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