[Sally]

When someone is shy, everything feels harder to read.
From the outside, it does sound like she feels comfortable with you in particular. Saying your name, choosing to teach you over someone else, stretching to hand you notes, smiling but looking down those are all pretty classic shy-person signs. Shy people don’t make big moves. They make small, careful ones.

At the same time, her cold or quiet messages don’t mean she isn’t interested. Some people are awkward online, especially if English isn’t their first language or if social media stresses them out. Her replying with help instead of flirting is actually her safe zone.

Here’s the key part: don’t push. Keep it simple and kind. Talk to her in person. Thank her. Ask for help when it’s real. If she keeps showing up for you, that’s interest just the quiet kind.
Slow is okay. Let her feel safe first.

[Sally]

What you’re stuck in isn’t about what she did anymore it’s about what your mind keeps replaying. You didn’t just learn a detail, you learned it involved someone you compare yourself to, and that cuts deep. Especially since she was your first. That makes everything louder and heavier.

Here’s the honest truth, even if it hurts: what happened was before you were together. But the pain you’re in now is real, and love doesn’t cancel that out. If nine months later you can’t sleep, can’t stop the images, and feel this much anger and fear, your nervous system is waving a red flag.

This isn’t something you can just think your way out of. You either need real support to work through it, or you need to admit that this relationship might be costing you your peace.
Loving someone shouldn’t feel like this every night.

[Sally]

This actually sounds kind of sweet, not messy.
From what you described, this doesn’t feel one-sided in the way that matters. You’re starting the conversations, yes, but when you talk, he shows up. He asks questions, keeps it going, and chose to walk with you. And that hug? Shy, introverted guys don’t usually hug unless they feel comfortable and like you. That’s a good sign.

The awkwardness is normal. First real in-person moments almost always are. It doesn’t mean it went badly. It just means you’re both human.
My advice is don’t change what you’re doing. Keep talking to him like before. Say hi at school. If it feels natural, ask him to walk together again. Nothing dramatic. Simple and easy.

You won’t mess this up by being kind and consistent. If he likes you, that’ll make him feel safer, not scared.

[Sally]

This one’s confusing because he’s confusing.
Yes, he probably still has feelings for you. But feelings don’t equal intention. If he really wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t be with his ex while asking you for pictures and giving you sad looks across the room. That’s him wanting comfort, validation, and attention without making a hard choice.

What he’s doing is keeping you emotionally close while staying safely committed to someone else. That’s not love that’s indecision mixed with guilt. And it puts you in limbo.

Him saying you were the best thing and that he messed up doesn’t mean much if his actions never change. Words are cheap when someone’s scared to act.
If you stay in this dynamic, you’ll keep feeling stuck and second-guessing yourself. You deserve someone who chooses you out loud, not quietly from the sidelines.

[Sally]

A kiss like that doesn’t come from nowhere.
It probably does mean she still feels something. You don’t forget how someone smells, say it’d be weird to see a band with anyone else, then make out for five minutes if there’s nothing there. At the same time, feelings don’t always mean she wants to get back together. Sometimes it’s nostalgia, comfort, or alcohol loosening old doors.

The real question is what you want. If you’re okay letting it be a moment, you can let it slide. But if this stirred things up for you, it’s better to talk than sit in confusion.
You don’t need a big emotional talk. Just honest. Hey, that kiss caught me off guard. What did it mean to you?
Clarity is kinder than guessing.

[Sally]

This is that in-between space where nothing is clear yet, and that can mess with you.
What he said sounds less like a brush-off and more like him saying he’s not putting a label on it yet. “Don’t overthink it” usually means he’s going with the flow, not secretly running a game. The cuddling, the sweetness, the follow-up texts those don’t scream one-and-done hookup.

At the same time, it’s only been a week. He just started a new job. That matters. You don’t need to decide what this is right now, and neither does he.
My advice? Pull back a little. Let him reach out next. If he’s interested, he will. If not, you’ll know without chasing. You didn’t mess anything up. Just don’t rush clarity before it has time to show up.

[Sally]

You don’t actually know why he pulled away. The sister theory could explain some things, but it’s still a guess. And guessing is what’s keeping you stuck. What is clear is that instead of talking to you, he shut down, avoided you, and let things blow up into silence.

You didn’t do anything wrong by being confused or defensive. Anyone would’ve been. You can send one calm message if it helps you not to fix it, just to clear the air. Something simple, no apologies for things you didn’t do.

But also know this: someone who likes you but won’t talk to you isn’t ready for a real connection. And that hurts, but it’s important.
If he responds, you’ll learn something
If he doesn’t, that’s an answer too.

[Sally]

Mixed signals mess with your head, even when you think you’re being casual about it.
Here’s the simple truth. If someone is interested even just for a hookup they don’t disappear. They don’t stay online, ignore messages, and leave you guessing. That’s not shyness or being busy. That’s backing away without saying it out loud.

It doesn’t really matter what he said when you talked. What matters is what he’s doing now. And right now, he’s not showing up. You didn’t do anything wrong, and you’re not being clingy. You read the situation and stopped chasing, which was the right move.

Bringing an ex back isn’t bad by default, but it often reopens old patterns. This one looks familiar you wanting clarity, him staying distant.
I’d let this go and refocus on your life like you were already doing. If he wants it, he’ll reach out. And if he doesn’t, you already have your answer.

[Sally]

She has told you no. More than once. Not in a cruel way, but in a values way. She isn’t confused. She’s conflicted, and she chose her peace over the story you’re offering her. Sending gifts back was her line in the sand.

What you’re feeling is real love mixed with forty years of what-ifs. That kind of love feels massive, but it can also turn into desperation fast. And desperation pushes people away, even when intentions are pure.

You already made a huge move by filing for divorce. But you can’t trade your entire life for someone who isn’t choosing you back. That’s not romance that’s self-erasure.
Right now, the kindest thing you can do for her and for yourself is to stop trying to convince her. Grieve this fully. Get support. Let the fantasy rest.
If she ever comes back, it has to be because she wants you not because you sacrificed everything.

[Sally]

Four months in, one real date, seeing each other every week or two, and no commitment isn’t building anything. Saying “I love you” without showing up consistently doesn’t count for much. And the whole spiritual foundation thing sounds nice, but right now it’s just a pause button that keeps you waiting while he gets comfort without responsibility.

What really stands out is the pattern. When you pull away, he panics and pulls you back in. Then nothing changes. That’s not confusion, that’s control mixed with fear of losing access to you.

You’re right you’re not walking away from a relationship. You’re walking away from limbo. And you’re justified in doing that.
If you stay, expect more of the same. If you leave, it’ll hurt for a bit, but the anxiety will stop. And that matters.

[Sally]

Sex matters, especially when it’s starting to feel painful and one-sided.
This isn’t really about his age. Plenty of men in their 40s have great sex lives. This is about compatibility and patterns that don’t seem to be changing. You’ve tried. He’s tried. Three months in, this is already stressing you out instead of getting easier.

The hard truth is you can like someone a lot and still not be a good match physically. And it’s okay to admit that without blaming either of you. Love doesn’t magically fix ongoing pain or unmet needs.

Ask yourself this honestly: if nothing changes, can you live with this long-term without resentment? If the answer is no, that’s important information. It doesn’t mean he’s bad. It just means you’re listening to your body and your needs.

[Sally]

That’s a lot to walk in on, and it makes sense that you’re feeling two things at once — shocked and turned on. Both can be true.
Here’s the part that matters most though. The biggest issue isn’t the fantasy. It’s the secrecy. You didn’t consent to being left out or lied to, and that’s what broke the trust. Even if he was drunk, it still happened, and brushing it off doesn’t make it disappear.

Right now, he sounds scared. Not of you of himself. A lot of people panic after crossing a line they didn’t think they would, and denial is the fastest way they cope. Pushing him to jump straight into your fantasy will probably make him shut down harder.

If you want any chance of exploring this together, the first step isn’t sex. It’s safety. Calm conversations. Letting him talk without labels or pressure. And being honest that secrecy can’t happen again.
You’re not wrong for wanting more honesty. Just don’t rush him faster than he can face himself.

[Sally]

Moving across the country with a kid is a huge deal, not a casual leap.
You already did the hard part by being clear about what you need. So this isn’t about reminding him gently or worrying about sounding pushy. It’s about timing and reality. If he’s ready for the long haul like he says, this is the moment where actions should match the words.

I wouldn’t move without clarity. Not because you need a ring tomorrow, but because you need a real plan. A timeline. Something solid that shows he understands what you’re risking.

You can say it simply. I love you, I want this, but I can’t uproot my life and my child without knowing where this is headed.
If that scares him off, that tells you something important. And if it doesn’t, you’ll finally have your answer.

[Sally]

Even if you didn’t cheat, trust in that relationship is completely broken on both sides. Her spying, tracking, and testing you isn’t love anymore. It’s fear and control. And you leaving, even for a short time, confirmed her worst worries, whether they were fair or not.

Wanting her back makes sense. But wanting things to go back to how they were isn’t realistic. Too much damage happened. Words and proof won’t fix this alone.
If there’s any chance, it would only come through real outside help and clear boundaries, not more convincing. And you have to accept that she may still say no.
Right now, focus on being a steady father and getting yourself grounded. You can’t rebuild a family from desperation.

[Sally]

When something feels off, it usually is, even if you can’t prove it yet.
Not replying wasn’t wrong. You were protecting yourself in the moment. Silence isn’t rude when you’re confused or hurt. That said, you might be filling in blanks because his effort already started fading. The cancel itself matters less than the pattern around it.

Could his reason be real? Sure. But if someone is genuinely excited, they usually follow a cancel with reassurance, a new plan, or checking in. Not just dropping it and disappearing.

If you respond, keep it simple. No accusations. Just see how he shows up next. And don’t emotionally invest until his actions match his words.
You’re not overreacting. You’re just tired of being disappointed.

[Member]

Posts