[Sally]

Right now, he’s emotionally unavailable. Not because you did anything wrong, but because his heart is tangled up somewhere else. When someone says they can’t feel love right now, wants no contact, and doesn’t want to work through it with you, that’s not a pause that’s a step away.

The call from his ex didn’t create this. It just brought it to the surface. He’s confused, guilty, and unstable, and instead of leaning into the relationship, he’s choosing distance. You can’t fix that by waiting perfectly or loving harder.

Waiting only makes sense if both people are working toward each other. Right now, it’s one-sided. Protect your heart. Let him take his space, but don’t promise yourself to someone who can’t show up for you. If he comes back, it should be with clarity not confusion.
You deserve steadiness, not silence.

[Sally]

He didn’t leave because he stopped loving you. He left because everything became tied to pain, guilt, and fear. The pregnancy, the abortion, the fighting, the lying that changes people. Not overnight, but slowly. Some people don’t know how to stay when things get that heavy, so they shut down and run instead.

Will he regret it? Maybe. A lot of people do, especially when the noise fades and they’re alone with their thoughts. But regret doesn’t always mean coming back, and waiting for that moment will keep you stuck.

Right now, what matters more than what he feels is what you need. You’ve been through grief on top of heartbreak. That’s not small. Let the silence be what helps you heal, not what keeps you hoping. You loved deeply. That wasn’t a mistake.

[Sally]

Love isn’t just about kindness on good days. It’s about feeling safe when things are messy. Right now, you don’t trust him. Not with money. Not with honesty. Not with your heart. And that kind of stress changes you. It makes anyone sharp and sour over time.

The porn, the lying, the spending, the sexual distance… none of those are tiny things when they keep happening. Especially when he won’t talk it through or meet you halfway with counseling.

I don’t think you’re crazy for loving him and doubting the marriage at the same time. Both can be true.
Sometimes staying starts to cost more than leaving. Only you can feel when that line gets crossed. Just listen to how your body feels when you imagine another five years like this. That answer matters.

[Sally]

This isn’t about insecurity anymore. Too many things don’t line up. The late nights, the hiding calls, the lies that keep changing, the anger when you ask real questions. People who are innocent don’t usually act like they’re cornered.

The hardest part is you’ve tried. You talked. You asked. You gave space. And nothing changed. That’s not because you didn’t explain it well enough. It’s because she’s choosing not to protect the relationship.

Love shouldn’t make you feel this small or this unsure all the time. Four years is a long time, I know. But don’t let history trap you in something that’s breaking your peace.
Sometimes the answer shows up before we’re ready to accept it. Take care of yourself right now. That matters more than proving anything.

[Sally]

She’s already emotionally gone. Not angry, not dramatic, just… done. When someone keeps saying you need to grow and won’t talk it through, that usually means they’ve already decided they don’t want to try anymore. It doesn’t mean you didn’t grow. It means your growth came too late for where her heart is now.

As for whether I’d seriously date her? Honestly… no. Not because she’s a bad person, but because the dynamic feels uneven and exhausting. You’re pouring everything in, trying to prove your worth, and she’s holding the door half-closed. That kind of love never feels calm. It feels like auditioning.

I know you love her. But love isn’t supposed to feel like chasing someone who keeps pulling away. Sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is stop trying to convince someone to see you.

[Sally]

It feels like the ground drops out under you all at once.
From how you describe it, he sounds overwhelmed and shut down. Not just with you, but with life, money, family, everything. When someone says they want to cut off everyone and be alone, it’s usually not because they stopped loving you. It’s because they don’t feel strong enough to carry anyone else right now.

What he wants, at least in this moment, is distance and control over his own life. You didn’t ruin this by one harsh conversation. This has been building inside him for a while.

What you can do right now is the hardest thing. Step back. Let him breathe. If you chase him while he’s in this state, it’ll push him further away. Love doesn’t disappear overnight, but it also can’t grow where someone is drowning.

Take care of yourself first. If he comes back, it’ll be because he chose to, not because you begged.

[Sally]

What’s messing with your head isn’t your imagination it’s the mismatch between what you agreed to and how you actually act together. You don’t behave like friends with benefits. You go on dates, hold hands, spend holidays together, meet family, and check in emotionally. That creates attachment, and it’s normal that you now want more. Anyone would.

He clearly likes you. Reaching out after silence, making plans, staring at you, posting a sad song about thinking of you those aren’t nothing. But liking you and being ready to commit are two different things. The tricky part is that he already told you he didn’t want a relationship, and until he says otherwise, his words still matter more than the mixed signals.

Waiting around for him to magically ask you out will just keep you anxious. The healthiest move is to be honest without pressure. You don’t need to demand anything. Just tell him you’re starting to want more and ask if he sees this going anywhere real. Whatever he says will hurt less than staying stuck in confusion. Clarity is kinder than guessing.

[Sally]

When you really like someone and nothing moves forward, your mind starts filling in all the gaps.
From what you shared, it doesn’t sound like anything is “wrong” with you or where you’re from. It sounds more like there just hasn’t been real connection yet. One nervous moment and a polite reply don’t mean rejection, but they also don’t mean interest. Right now, you’re mostly in your head with this, building feelings without actually knowing her.

The truth is, respect and attraction usually grow through simple, normal conversation. Not big confessions. Not pressure. Just talking like two people. If that never really happens, nothing can start.

Try not to turn this into a story about fate or country or worth. It’s just two classmates who haven’t crossed that bridge. Take it slow, be kind to yourself, and remember that liking someone doesn’t mean they’re the only door that matters.

[Sally]

You didn’t ruin the relationship by having a past. Almost everyone does. What hurt him was finding out late and then seeing messages that made him feel like he didn’t fully know you. That shook his sense of security. But here’s the part people don’t like to hear once trust breaks, you can’t force it back to how it was. You can be honest, open, patient, and consistent, but you can’t make him become the person he was before.

If he’s choosing anger, control, and constant fights instead of healing, that’s not something you can fix alone. A relationship can’t survive on guilt and punishment. Talk to him calmly one last time. If he can’t let this go and move forward, you may have to accept that love sometimes changes, even when you didn’t mean for it to.

[Sally]

The kindest thing you can do is be honest without over-explaining. You didn’t trick him, and you didn’t change your feelings. The situation changed. That happens in real life. Tell him that when you invited him, you didn’t realize how raw everything would still be with your family, and that you’re realizing now it might not be the right first moment for him to meet everyone. Make it about timing, not about him.

Let him know you still want him to meet them, just not in the middle of grief and tension. If he’s a good partner, he might be disappointed, but he’ll understand you’re trying to protect everyone, including him.
It’s okay to adjust plans when reality shows up. You’re not doing anything wrong.

[Sally]

What he’s doing is not love. Saying he loves you, calling you his soulmate, leaning on you emotionally, and at the same time keeping his ex as “the one” is selfish. Even if he cries. Even if he apologizes. Tears don’t cancel out behavior. He’s asking for the benefits of closeness without choosing you, and that’s why you feel used because you are.

And knowing your mental health history makes this worse, not better. Someone who truly cares wouldn’t put you in a position that keeps reopening wounds. You’re not weak for struggling with this. You’re human. But you’re right you do know better now.

You don’t need to compete with an ex or share someone who won’t choose you fully. Love should feel steady, not confusing and painful like this. Please protect yourself here. You matter more than being someone’s backup.

[Sally]

What she’s saying sounds like someone who cares about you but does not want to move forward romantically. When a person asks you to block them, tells you to find someone else, and says they’ll only hurt you, that’s not a test and it’s not a puzzle to solve. That’s a boundary. It doesn’t mean she lied about ever having feelings. Feelings can be real and still not lead to a relationship.

You can’t convince someone into love or into fighting their family if they don’t want to. Love only works when both people choose it freely. Right now, she’s choosing distance, even if it hurts both of you.

I know you feel like she’s “the one,” but someone who wants to be with you won’t ask you to disappear from their life. As painful as it is, the most loving thing you can do for her and for yourself is to respect what she’s asking and take space. This kind of pain doesn’t mean your love was wasted. It means you cared deeply. And that matters.

[Sally]

He’s comfortable with you, maybe too comfortable. He drops the polite mask, jokes sexually, snaps when he’s annoyed, and pulls you close only when it suits him. Then when you reach out, he backs off and reminds you of the line. That’s not attraction. That’s control mixed with familiarity.

The fact that he only contacts you when he needs something, says no to your plans, and puts walls up when you get closer tells you a lot. He likes the connection, the fun, the ease. He doesn’t like giving you equal ground.

If you keep treating him like a friend, you’ll keep getting confused and slightly hurt. If you treat him like a workmate clear, polite, limited you protect yourself. Distance doesn’t mean cold. It means balanced.
Right now, distance is probably the healthier choice.

[Sally]

Don’t get married out of fear. Not fear of losing your child, not fear of her leaving, not fear of regret. Marriage done under pressure usually breaks, and you already know how painful that can be.

You can want to be a good father and still say no to a rushed marriage. Those two things aren’t opposites. Right now, you barely know each other, you don’t share a language, and you’re still healing from a divorce. That matters.

She’s scared too. She’s young, alone, pregnant, and far from home. Her wanting marriage makes sense. But that doesn’t mean it’s right for you.
Before choosing anything, slow this down. Talk to a lawyer. Talk to a counselor. Figure out if there’s a way to be involved as a father without forcing a lifelong decision you’re not ready for.
You’re not a bad guy for being honest. You’re just human.

[Sally]

She likes you. You make her feel safe. But she doesn’t know who she is yet, and she’s telling you that out loud. That’s actually honest of her. The problem is, honesty doesn’t make it easier on you.

If you stay while she’s figuring out her sexuality, you need to be real about the cost. You’ll be waiting. You’ll be hoping. And there’s a good chance she’ll decide she needs something else. That doesn’t make her bad. It just means you’re taking a risk with your feelings.

If you let her go explore, it hurts now but protects you long term. You can’t half-date someone who’s unsure and expect to feel steady.
Ask yourself this quietly: can you stay without resenting her if she never chooses you? If the answer is no, that’s your answer.

[Member]

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