Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

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What should I have done differently?

Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • August 17, 2009 at 4:18 pm #1155
    wacki 0335
    Participant

    I have a male friend at work that I have known for 2 and 1/2 years. We were buddies. We have been out as friends before and he has been to my house to hang out. I had a light I needed hooked up and we planned to cook out on Saturday and him install the light. After a few beers he asked if he could stay the night and sleep on the couch. I said that wasn’t a good idea and he said, “How could you make me drive drunk. What kind of friend are you?” So I agreed he could stay on the couch. I had had a few beers too and never drink and drive. All was fine until about 10:00 when he was talking to me and I looked over and his male part was out. I got really upset and was infuriated. I asked him what heck he was doing and that he better put it away. He said it feel out…he was wearing pants! I told him if he did it again he would be get out drunk or not. I wanted him out of my house right then, but knew he nor I should drive. I went to bed and locked my door and was afraid the entire night he might figure out a way to get in. Even though it isn’t the kind of lock you can pick. I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt, high neckline, nothing revealing. Hindsight I realized he had never been over to my house when my kids were gone for the weekend to their dad’s. I didn’t think anything of it because we were just friends.
    What should I have done differently? Obviously, he will NEVER be allowed back to my house again. The friendship is ruined! Can men and women really not be friends? I am truely bothered by this.

    August 17, 2009 at 10:54 pm #9922
    Jantina
    Participant

    To expose hmself before permission is wrong in any mans/womans language.
    The question of “can male and female ever be friends” is a never ending question with me.
    I guess from your story there is no recourse for the man. So I feel that either you tell it to him straight what he did wrong and what you want out of this whole thing (truthfully) or drop him altogether. Again – he’s exposed himself -drunk or not. Just because you’re drunk does not permit behaviour like that. Even though being drunk can make you do stupid things. I feel you have got to think what you really want from this guy or any other guy as time goes by and set your boundaries case by case. Please, most men are pretty decent and you do have jerks both sexes. I’m sure all will work out

    Regards, Jantina

    August 18, 2009 at 4:05 am #9777
    optimistvik
    Participant

    Let me tell whatever you have done is absolutely right & that boy was not a decent person to whom you can make friend he was just taking chance of having sex with you but you acted very nicely with him.
    Boys & Girls can become real friends when both the person are decent like you & your husband can become real & true friends. Trust me husbands & wifes are real friends.

    August 18, 2009 at 1:35 pm #9598
    wacki 0335
    Participant

    Thanks for your input. The friendship with this guy is definitely over in my book. He tried to take advantage of me and the situation knowing I wouldn’t put a friend out to drink and drive. I still have to work with him, but I can keep it professional. I guess I need to go back to the advice that I give to my daughters of never put yourself into a situation where you are alone with a guy. But, again I did believe we were friends and had made it clear to him on several occasions that we were only friends. I left NO room for hope of anything more. He knows that I like a guy that lives in another town. We were actually talking about the guy and he was asking me if he treated me right. It was totally out of nowhere that he exposed himself.

    I know that husbands/wives and boyfriends/girlfriends can be and should be friends. I meant can males/females have a friendship as only friends?

    August 18, 2009 at 10:49 pm #9606
    Jantina
    Participant

    I do honestly believe that male and females can be friends (excluding partners). But boundaries need to be set first otherwise it can be open for interpretation.

    This guy was setting you up. You talked about a relationship not close to home and he figured like a few I have met recently – that if you’re alone you’re desperate. He was already telling you his intentions in the conversation you were having with him. The moment he started talking about if he was treating you right was already the signal. I almost can imagine you now saying to your “friend” (excuse this term,) that you miss him. If you did not set the boundary then he figured that he was allowed the next step. Its not your fault but this guys a jerk and obviously not the first time he’s done this.

    I make a point not to mix my professional life with personal life and I mainly have male friends. I was brought up with guys and had 3 boys of my own – they are great to be with, BUT I do need to be mindful at all times that I do need to remind them of the boundaries. No harm in trying but this guy went too far.

    August 22, 2009 at 12:31 pm #9776
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Here are a few tips and pieces of advice for handling this kind of situation in the future, and for setting boundaries between visits from male friends and visits from male dates or boyfriends:

    1. Invite your male friends over in the daytime. End the visit before the sun goes down. Granted, this guy could still have behaved badly during daylight, but there’s something about dinner, a few beers, and night time that spell out: date. He may have thought he could turn the visit into a date. If you set the daylight boundary, that’s less likely to happen. Not impossible, but less likely.

    2. Call him a cab. If you have to, you pay for his cab ride home.

    3. If you ever feel that you have to lock your bedroom door in order to be physically safe from a “guest” you’re in an unsafe situation. Call a friend or family member to help you get the person out. If you have to, call the cops. This may seem drastic, but I assure you, your friend won’t try this shenanigan again if he feels he can’t get away with it.

    August 23, 2009 at 10:45 am #9649
    wacki 0335
    Participant

    Great advice again!! I didn’t think of any of that except for calling the cops. I have to work with the guy and didn’t want to have any drama at work so I didn’t call the cops. That would have gone around work like a wild fire. Calling a cab and not after dark is brilliant. I also thought about calling a female friend or family member after the fact when I tried to figure out what I could have done differently.

    Thanks!!

    January 9, 2016 at 11:32 pm #31592
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Let me know how things are going for you…. 😀

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