what happened?

a guy that I used to date a long time ago (and admitted that I still have feelings for), is someone that i write on a semi-regular basis whenever i have a problem or issue i want to talk out. he rarely responds, but lets me vent without complaint.

we have seen each other infrequently over the last few years. we had dinner once and it was a little awkward (mostly on my side) because as much as i like this guy and want to be friends with him, we had a tendency to fall into a “friends with benefits” pattern that i wasn’t really looking to fall into again. he asked me to hang out with his friends one night which i thought i could get out of, but he worked it that we left in the same car so that i had to go to the bar. i should have left because i was incredibly uncomfortable and put a lot of pressure on myself and since no one went out of their way to talk to me except him, i made (i’m sure) a pretty bad impression on them. he does know me, and knew i was uncomfortable, but didn’t help much to make the situation easier. he has always been kind and really forgiving of my awkwardness.

this summer i bought a condo and my life has been on the upswing. i am feeling more confident in myself and i asked him to come see my place. he said yes, but with a really long explanation about how he would leave work early because he had a trainer at the gym scheduled most nights of the week that he pre-pays for and didn’t want to miss because he already had. it amounted to him stopping by for about 5-10 minutes, which was okay with me, but i wasn’t crazy about him taking off work…so i told him not to come. after that, i asked him a few times without any response. a few days ago, i wrote him telling him hurt i was that he been able to find time to come see my place. he wrote back saying that he knew he should have come but didn’t, blaming it on “slipping his mind” and said he would come soon if I wasn’t too upset. i’m hurt only, not upset, but didn’t want him to come because i felt like it was wrong to have to beg someone to come see something that he knew was important to me. he got upset when i said no, and referred to all of the times that i have asked him to do things and then changed my mind and that it frustrates and irritates him and that was now the reason why he never came to see my place.

i have changed my mind about our plans pretty regularly. i still care about him and want him in my life and whenever i am in the same room with him i remember all the times in the past he hurt me. i told him that, a long time ago, and that i know i have to figure out a way to not do that anymore or stop being his friend. i have always been honest with how i feel about him, which is that i want him to be a bigger part of my life than he is. whenever i tell him this, in writing, he ignores it. he never responds, even though he knows i care about him very much. i have never said it to hurt him,only wanting him to tell me “maybe it could happen” or “never will we be together again”. sometimes i feel like i am that “safe bet” in case everything else falls through, and i want more. i guess i explained that because i know he has a right to be frustrated and irritated, but my question is why is he only saying something now and why did he have to do it with something so important to me, when i only changed my mind about him stopping by because i thought taking time off work was a bad idea?