April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › lying or am I crazy
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dustin.
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September 16, 2008 at 9:46 pm #750
lynn
ParticipantMy husband and I have been married for 2 years and prior to that we had an affair for 3 years. His ex wife who he lived with ,( for 25 years), never knew a thing until he left her for me. I told him that the only way it could work between us was to have total honesty. Now 2 years later I have found out about lies from when he first left her. They went to a lawyer so he could sign over the house in march of 2006. When he come home I asked him where the copy of the paperwork was and he said he didn’t get any. I argued that you always get a copy but he dismissed the issue and led me to believe he never got any paperwork. Well a few months ago I found some paperwork in the glove box of his truck. Unfortunately he was there at the time and when I realized what it was he ripped it out of my hand and threw it out the window. I couldn’t believe he would do that but of course he said it was because he was trying to protect me from the hurtful things she said about me. He also had an account that i asked him if it was a checking and did she have access. He said it was a loan on his truck to pay it off. Then one day a few months ago his title showed up on the dash of the truck. I brought it in and noticed it was issued feb. 2005. The loan paper which i finally saw 2 months ago is for July 2005. Yesterday I found some old check books from this same account # (they were hidden , of course),and all and I noticed that the check were wrote for 2 years ago when I was asking about it. Whats worse is that she wrote the checks for her home, pool service,tree removal,and dental bills. I haven’t confronted him about this yet, because every time I bring up anything he gets angry and tells me I am pathetic, or sick. He also told me he paid the gas bill with a check however he didn’t use the checks from any of the check books. Why does he insist on lying to me? September 17, 2008 at 11:51 am #8452April Masini
KeymasterI’m afraid you’re not going to like what I have to say… Unfortunately relationships built on lies and dishonesty (like an adulterous affair) continue that way. A cheat is a cheat is a cheat and a liar is a lair. Rarely does a person who lied to and cheated on their wife or husband not repeat that behavior… If someone lies to others and cheats on others with you, why would you think they would not do the same to you? Please don’t tell me it’s because they told you they wouldn’t. Their actions and dishonest behavior have demonstrated their character and their ability to lie and deceive. Their actions have clearly demonstrated who they are and that behavior (more often than not) will be repeated regardless of who they are with. People can lie, actions and deeds never do.
If you ignore and put off confronting the issues you mentioned, in spite of facts and evidence supporting your suspicions, you are simply delaying what you will eventually be forced to deal with. I suggest you look the devil in the eye and confront the truth — sooner rather than later.
👿 Good luck! April
September 18, 2008 at 4:24 am #8491Joy
ParticipantYour post title is “Lying or am I crazy”. In reading the final sentence of your post, “Why does he insist on lying to me?”, it appears that you have answered that question for yourself. Now, more importantly, what do you choose to do with that knowledge? Will you continue putting your time and life energy into a situation where you are being lied to and treated with disrespect? Again, reading your post, “I told him that the only way it could work between us was to have total honesty”. By virtue of staying in this relationship with him after the boundary you set, doesn’t this make you one who is living a lie? September 19, 2008 at 11:13 am #8492ParticipantThanks for the quick response! I feel a little better. Sometimes help is better from an outsider. I have something else to tell you know that you know a little about what could be going on. I don’t believe that he is having an affair with a women. I believe that it is his best friend. At first when we moved in together I noticed a lot of calls on his cell phone from the same number. Well my husband and I use to talk 2,000 minutes a month, which I thought was alot ❗ This number was just as much or more than mine. It was his best friends number. They would call each other continously all day. Not for just a minute or two but 10 to 20 minutes or more a day. Odd🙄 When I asked him about it he got mad and said he’s been my friend for almost 20 years. It seemed almost right after that he stopped calling me so much so I checked the bill. He was now definately calling him more. Over the past 2 years I feel like I am in constant competition with this “other man”😡 We don’t go to his house together and he won’t come to ours. The one time he did he brought a male friend and when my husband was showing off his toys(RC trucks) he got mad and went outside and stood by the vehicle waiting for the friend he brought. Two days ago it took my husband a little longer than normal to get hime. When I asked what took so long he said he went around another way thinking it would be faster( this way went rihgt by his friends house). Doesn’t even make sense if you knew where I lived. So he changed his clothes, all but his underwear ,and he always changes right away. I was picking up his clothes,when i asked him where are your underwear he said “Oh I still have them on””So I waited and when he went to sleep after he changed and showered i picked them up and I smelled them. I then took them to the dirty clothes and got another pair and smelled them. The pair he wore that day smelled like semen. There was no hint of a woman. I would like to make his life hell. We haven’t had sex in over a month and it doesn’t bother me. I’m used to it. I can’t bring myself to even kiss him much less😯 I know that there is infidelity kits that test for semen but I wonder if there is any type of quick home remedy. I would really like to prove it because I would like to take him for everything and since I can’t work I need spousal support.😛 September 21, 2008 at 10:04 am #8493KeymasterI have a multitude concerns about your most recent post — everything from the potential STD/HIV implications, to the severe psychological issues (related to both parties) that ensue from leading a double life filled with questions about sexual preference and infidelity, to lies, betrayal and desire to seek revenge — and that’s just the tip of the iceberg. I do not need to tell you that you in a very, very unhealthy situation, because that is an obvious. If everything you have mentioned — in both posts — is true, it would behoove you to (a) see a doctor and get a check-up and (b) start taking the necessary steps to extricate yourself from this relationship.
You did not tell my why you are unable to work, but I suggest that you aggressively explore and pursue your options for generating income and self-support. While I am not a lawyer, I can tell you that (1) most states are now No Fault Divorce states and (2) long term/permanent alimony is very rarely granted today, especially for a short term marriage.
I also strongly recommend that you join a support group to help you get through this very difficult situation.
September 23, 2008 at 1:10 pm #8496Jane
ParticipantThank you April for pointing out the severity of the situation and the importance of Lynn taking action before she finds herself in more hot water! What a mess! September 26, 2008 at 8:44 pm #8497ParticipantI appreciate all the advice and I will do my best to get out of this situation. I confronted my husband about some of the issues I have and he got up and went to work on his day off. He found a place to live and was going to move in a week. I was devastated as I have no means of support and the rent was still behind. I have had chronic pain for 2 years. I had a partial hysterectamy and it still didn’t help. Now I have pain everywhere. I was sent to a pain specialist and he diagnosed me with fibromyalga. I also have carpul tunnel and had surgery on my right hand. I can use it but not for long periods of time. Also vibration makes it worse. My health has deteriorated over the past 2 years and I believe its due to the kind of stressful and abusive life I’ve always had. I also am in need of a free dentist LOL! I have the worst toothaches from my wisdom teeth. All of my health problems are the least of my worries for now because I have to worry about my son. He is 21 and he collapsed last year and he was diagnosed with 5 anneurysms. One was bleeding. He had surgery , four were clipped,and he has one more to clip. The state denied his medical help because SSI denied him. My son will have to have angiograms once a year for the rest of his life. Every day I count my blessings that he is still alive. He has had some frontal lobe disorder from his surgery but he is still an amazing person. I am and have been appealing the denials from SSI and we should hear soon. If he is accepted then he can get his medical help. He never even got his follow up angiogram after his surgery. Anyway I told my husband that I couldn’t live like this anymore and I was willing to let him go that I want someone who could love me unconditionally and someone that has no reason to hide things from me. The oddest thing happened. He turned back into the man i fell in love with. I don’t know how long it will last but at least it buys me some time to plan and a little less chaos. Its only been three days. September 29, 2008 at 1:05 pm #8499dustin
Participantyeah, like anyone really believes he’s cold turkey stopped being a homosexual and reverted back to being heterosexual? gay is gay. get real! it doesn’t work that way. November 30, 2008 at 9:51 pm #8706TooCute
Participantwow. i don’t know what else to say. just WOW! December 7, 2008 at 11:40 am #8713Participantyou’re lying to yourself if you think someone suddenly stops being gay. January 13, 2016 at 12:02 am #8482KeymasterHappy New Year! Let me know how things are going for you. -
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