[Lamine]

Classic FAFO! He fucked around and found out. Not your fault. he knows he fucked up and he is takling it out on you. Hius fantasy has been solely based on him enjoying someone, he never processed whatv it would feelm like to watch you enjoy someone else and what that would do to him, so he fled the scene due to jealousy and shame. Research on consensual non-monogamy has shown that this happens very often. But now that he has become violent, you need to keep your distance from him, so he doesn’t physically harm you, because he is not recovering from this anytime soon

[Lamine]

The good news is that she’s shown that she’s also not okay with the current situation and what an improvement, which is why she’s been attending the sex therapies.
I think you just need to givwe her time and keep working together. I believe the hormone replacement therapy worsened the self image issue, and you really need to get to the root cause of the self image issue , solving that and also combining medical help, will go a long way.

[Lamine]

“I really don’t want to go on like this for the next 40 years though”

I actually think as long as you’re together this will always be the case.

You’re just gonna have to chose your poison. Live with it, hoping things get better, or condemn your kids to the danger of divorce.

[Lamine]

Why not just ask him. Did he say that and you just ended the conversation? He is the best person to tell you what he means. Probe further. “What do you mean by you are an idiot?” “So, what are you gonna do about it?” If at the end of this conversation you are not 100% certain and i mean that , not even 99.9%, certain that he will engage you, that is not part of his plans.

[Lamine]

You wait when you see something special, something tangible, but there is nothing special or any indication that you have something tangible going on worth waiting for (If you want a defined relationship).

But, that doesn’t mean you can’t keep seeing each other. I even think you can be casual.

[Lamine]

You wouldn’t know if you don’t give him a try. Go on a date with him, listen to him. You need more information to telll if he is ready or not.

[Lamine]

I think she wants to kick off another cycle of On/Off, not necessarily a defined relationship.

[Lamine]

No where in your message did you suggest that you’re working on yourself or want to change. Well, it’s up to him to decide if he can be with a woman that calls him a loser every argument.

[Lamine]

Go with the flow, this seems normal in female relationship dynamic. Nothing weird yet.

[Lamine]

If you feel you can’t make a long term commitment to her because of the lack of sex, it’s better you discuss this with her as Sara advised , and work on it together. once a month is really insane.

[Lamine]

I just feel you should have discussed this earlier, but maybe this is an opportunity to discuss it , instead of running from the conversation. Tlk about how this changes your relationship dynamic, and if you’re not okay with it, leave.

[Lamine]

She’s worried that the the relationship is moving too fast

She is not ready to commit

BUT she wants you meet her mum.

I think she’s confused like most freshmen. Erikson’s Psychosocial Development theory backs this up, she is in a critical identity formation period.

If you try to remain friends with her hoping it becomes romantic again, you are wrong. As a matter of fact she will start dating another guy while you are friends, and you will find yourself smiling as she tells you about her new guy while cry in your heart.

[Lamine]

I am someone who is also mission driven and very disciplined. I avoided being in any defined relationship during my college years, because there was nothing i desired more than being top of my class, and I wouldn’t risk it.

The truth is, for people like us, there is no “pressure period”, we are always under pressure. Even when a goal is accomplished, there is always a new one, that we can’t help but give our 100%.

The good thing is we are like this to everything we care about, and that includes romantic relationships. I knew if i got into a relationship in college it would end up consuming me, and affect my grades.

It seems the person you’re seeing has same fear.

I wouldn’t say that relationships are secondary to me, but my career comes first, even before me, lol.

What I can tell you though, a weakness people like us share, we are often consumed by what is right in front of us.

The reason you feel a disconnection when he is not with you is because he’s completely consumed by what he has going on, and actually, nothing exist to him outside that immediate environment.

I am sure hew feels the same way when he is with you, nothing else exists when he is with you.

So, if you guys aren’t gonna be around each other every time, this would most likely. ot work

[Lamine]

I can assure you that you aren’t overthinking this. The changes you see each time her name comes up, the softened voice softens, the distance look in his eyes, are involuntary physiological responses that suggests, he still has some emotional connection to the said person, and he might even be reminiscing his time with her.

But I have a question. Why does her name keep popping up? Is it you who always brings her up, just to see how your boyfriend feels about her, or he just randomly talk about her to you.

If it is you who always bring her up in conversation, you jsut have to stop.

If he is the one who brings her up then there is an issue.

You deserve to be with someone who is all into you, sees you as their present and future, and you shouldn’t settle until you find that person.

[Lamine]

Depends on you and what you consider non-negotiable.

For me, cheating is a non-negotiable and I will never forgive it.

Do you feel the same way, or you want to give her another chance?

The fact that you asked, makes ,me think, you are considering forgiveness. But remember, she will get bored again.

When you travel for work again, would you be rest assured that she isn’t cheating?

However, a month is a lot for some people without physical contact.

If I were you what i would change in my next relationship(Cos I’d definitely end things with the cheat) is ensure i keep contact with my girl a couple of times daily, don’t let her miss your absence, and maybe after 2 weeks you may ask her to come visit you for a couple of days, and 2 weeks later you would be back with her.,

[Member]

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