My Gut feeling says let go yet I feel real sad

i agree with you

Hi April,
You always give great advice and other people in the forum have helped as well, and I am feeling much better about making the right decision to let go of this last boyfriend.
The issue I am having now is that I was married in 2006 and am now divorced. I had known my ex husband for a long time. We used to work together thats how I met him. I was a decorative painter he was a furniture finisher. I was attracted to his kindness, I was having a lot of problems at home , an absent father most of my life. I really had feeling for my ex, he was always there for me but there were issues from the start. We had a 15 yr difference in age, he was not financially set, he was from a different country and never had gotten a formal education here in the states, he needed some help with his appearance, like how to dress needed to fix his teeth, etc, he did better after a while with some help from me.We lived together after being engaged he got cold feet I guess and said he would not be able to provide a good life for me and wanted to call things off. I was really upset and talked him into staying, i had bought my dress etc. I wanted to get married. Later down the road I got cold feet and had a brake down basiclly and had to go to the dr for some medication to calm down i had had several episodes of depression in the past, but decided that there were things I was not dealing with like not feeling like we matched up somehow feelings of embarrasment at times because of his inability to communicate with proper English with my family. I felt I wanted someone who loved me for who I was and was intimidated by men in suits, I felt he loved me he helped me talked to me helped my family when something needed to be fixed was there for my brother when he had episodes of bipolar. I also helped him get a better job, but he had two marriages before that did not work. I felt so guilty inside for having these feelings that I was unsure about us a couple i did not want to hurt him , but I did I called off the wedding. Later on we still saw eachother missed eachother and decided to give it another try. We got re engaged lived together, and got married. There were episodes of arguments, after marriage. His mother lived with us for 6 months as she came from her country for our wedding but announced she could not come into the church because she was a Jahova Witness, I was upset but respected her wished and she did come to the reception. My ex as I found out later had drank too much before our ceremony and he was not a drinker, really not much at all here and there and did not have a high tolerance, I noticed it after the ceremony I was not happy. On our honeymoon he seemed to be uncomfortable with where we were staying I wanted to go swimming in the pool and he would not join me. I paid for the honeymoon, he paid for the band my mother paid for the wedding. I was trying to be happy and I always was comfortable with him like he was a security blanket for me for a lack of a better explaination, I had feeling of love for him and was scared that if anything ever happened to him I would be devistated, I guess with the age difference i was scared sometimes. As his mother was visting he would not come to church with me and I was upset because before her presence he was coming with me. I felt we were not like a normal couple. I also later on started feeling those panic attacks like I was going to leave him again after we had moved into a nicer apartment , I struggled inside did not want those thoughts coming back, and eventually I ended up in the emergency room with a full blown panic attack, things setteled down again for a while and I was doing well felt I could not live with out him, I had stopped taking my antidepressant because we wanted to have child together. I was scared though because I felt we were not financially going to be able to handle it. He kept telling me not to worry that we will be fine, other people make it. We can too. After a few months of going to a therapist for issues I had from my past with my family I started with the panic attacks again and felt i was going to leave him, I was feeling sick, shaky, scared, and came home one eve from work and ate dinner and felt sick I told my husband I felt scared like I was going to run again and I did not want to but I was scared, he did not want to deal with it, he said maybe you are pregnant I did not think so because whenever i got these attacks i would get sick. The next morning i saw my therapist and told her i felt wrong about mymarriage i was a mess I stayed at my moms house for the evening and my husband and I spoke he asked how i was feeling and I said we need to talk he said he would call me when he got home from work he knew I was at my moms but he never called he was mad. I called him and called and he finally answered and he wanted and answer to what I wanted I said I don’ tknow what to do I am scared. he said well now you will find out and hung up. We split up we spoke a few times about apartment stuff I moved out, he had all my stuff packed up, I really was confused on what I wanted and felt so guilty. I could not even speak to him without braking down. We stopped talking and I was feeling sick again and missed my period. I was really scared now I did a pregnancy test at my moms office and I was pregnant. I wanted to tell him but was afraid of his reaction what to do I was in not state of mind to have a child at this point and was on antidepressants again and clonzapan for my nerves. I felt I was in big trouble being pregnant no money split from my husband in my mothers house , I went to my pastor and made a decision that it was a hard decision I felt pro life and of course so was my pastor but he said there is always forgiveness. Needless to say i did not go through with the pregnancy I was 7 weeks, and the Dr confirmed I was she advised with my medication and my financial and seperation it would be very difficult and it was not her say but she felt mentally how I was might lead to post partom depression and stopping the meds would make things worse,and she did not reccommend being on meds while pregnant. I was devistated I did not tell my husband untll six months after everyone told me not to tell him but I felt no matter what he needed to know he was understanding was not mad I was surprised at how supportive he was. I to this day can not forgive my self it has been about 2 yrs I think i can’t even think of the timing it was all one big nightmare and I wake up everyday feeling it a nightmare and will go away and won’t I fear I will be punished by God and that I am a murderer. I can not forgive my self and move on for the guilt of leaving him although I felt thing were not right but I made a promise before God and for the loss of my child I feel ashamed and can not go to church and when I have I only cry. How can I move on? I still talk with my ex as a friend here and there and even though I have dated no one has ever touched my heart the way he has and yet I know we were not a match. In God s name what have I done.

Abortion is very profound, and even people who think that they can be blase about it are affected by it for the rest of their lives. Clearly, it was your choice to exercise your right to an abortion, but even being pro-choice, you still are suffering from the loss.

It’s good that you told your now ex-husband, about the pregnancy and abortion, because it’s important to be truthful and open about something that affects you so deeply and that affected him, too. I think that if you continue to talk about it to people who have been through similar situations, you may find some relief, some peace, and some new friends.

Continue to go to church — even if all you do there is cry. Eventually, the crying will stop, and you will be quiet enough to hear your own thoughts and your heart.

Be in contact with your physician regularly so that you can have your medications monitored. Be open and honest with your doctor so that he or she can adjust your prescriptions according to your symptoms. With depression, there isn’t a blood test or some quantitative test to measure your problems. You have to self report, so make sure you tell your doctor everything to get the best help.

Go back to school, study hard, get a job. Stop looking for someone to fix you or complete you. You have to take care of yourself, as a grown woman. Only then, will you be able to have a loving and peaceful relationship with a man. And I told you before, but I’ll tell you again — get my book, Think & Date Like A Man. You can click on the Dating Advice Books link at the top of the page, scroll down, and purchase the book. It’s only $15, and will save you time, money and heartache in the future. Read it, and then let me know what you think about your situation AFTER you’ve read the book.

You can help yourself — but only if stop moping and pick yourself up and do the work that is required for you to live a healthy life. You can do it. Blow your nose, dry your tears, get a job in a hospital where you can help people with problems other than your own, and learn not to dwell on your own problems, and move on with your life, alone for now.

I don’t know if Barnes and Noble is still carrying my book, but it’s always available for purchase online. Please let me know if the book helps you.