Need a Mediator

You never mentioned whether or not the ex-boyfriend is the father of your girlfriend’s child. That makes a big difference. You said that the little girl is 5 and your girlfriend was with her ex for 2 years, so I’m going to assume that he is the father, and that they’ve been split up for 3 years. I trust you’ll correct me if that’s not right.

It sounds like your girlfriend wants to bring her daughter to visit the child’s grandma and grandpa in Texas where her ex, who is also her daughter’s father lives. The grandparents are offering to pay the plane fare and you’re jealous because you don’t have a standing in this family.

Since you’re not engaged or married to your girlfriend, she has every right to take her daughter to visit the grandparents. In fact, she’s actually being responsible by keeping her daughter’s relationships with the little girl’s family alive. Like it or not, the little girl has a father and grandparents who live in Texas. It’s important for her to know her family regardless of whether they’re divorced, never married and split up, or some other machination. Family is family and in today’s world, it doesn’t always look like a Norman Rockwell painting.

I know you think it’s nice that the little girl is calling you Dad, but while it makes you feel good, it’s misleading to the child. If you want to marry her mother and become her stepfather or adopt her as your own, then that would be the time for her to call you Dad. It is wildly inappropriate for her to call her mother’s boyfriend, Dad, however. For now, your first name, or some other pet name is all that’s appropriate for your girlfriend’s five year old daughter to call you.

Until you’re ready to get engaged or married, I’m afraid the appropriate place for you to be is at home, while your girlfriend takes her daughter to visit her dad and grandparents in Texas. If you decide to get engaged or married, then it would be appropriate for you to go with on the trip.

Figure out what you want from this relationship. When you date a single mother, the scenarios are more complicated than when you date a woman without children.

I didn’t realize that the boyfriend was NOT your girlfriend’s daughter’s father. That is different, and the advice I would give in this situation is [i]not[/i] the same as above.

Since your girlfriend, it now seems, is visiting an ex-boyfriend’s parents in Texas, with her five year old daughter, and probably the ex-boyfriend who lives in the area, too, it doesn’t sound like a trip she necessarily should make unless she’s interested in getting back together with the boyfriend there, and if that’s the case, she probably shouldn’t visit with her child. These are just family friends, in this case, and not blood relatives of the little girl. Very different scenario.

My guess is that your radar picks up a possible romantic reunion between your girlfriend and her ex that’s going to be nurtured by his parents. And complications since the child is going to be there, too. It’s going to be like a big, faux family. And you’re going to be left out. You’re right to be nervous. And, no, you’re not crazy to feel uncomfortable. Your relationship is at risk if she goes.

And…you’re probably right that the child shouldn’t be dragged back into this potential dating situation but the reality is that this isn’t your business as the boyfriend. Again, if you were the fiance or the father, you would have more of a say in this scenario. And if you intend to marry your girlfriend, you don’t necessarily need jewelry to do it.

If you need to make more money in order to be the husband you want to be, get a second job, or a better first one. An engagement ring doesn’t have to be a big, shiny rock — it can be a beautiful pair of elegant diamond chip earrings, with a bigger, better present on each anniversary. Instead of a ring, the engagement present can be a downpayment on a starter home or a condo — or even a lease on an apartment for the three of you. An engagement gift of a ring is a lovely tradition, but it doesn’t have to be the only way to do things.

In other words, if you’ve been dating this woman for a year, decide whether you want to marry her or not, and do one or the other. If you’re just her boyfriend, she has every right to play the field in whatever way she does it. It’s easy to sit here and pass judgment on a single mother’s dating habits, but a lot harder to walk in her shoes. If you want to be the husband and stepfather, step up to the plate and do it. At that point you have every right to ask her not to go on the trip or to accompany her yourself, as a family member.

Hope that helps.