Relationship Advice Forum with April Masini

I Bee-Lieve

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crush has a girlfriend

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  • December 17, 2009 at 7:12 pm #1515
    relationshipa1
    Keymaster

    About four years ago I had a crush on this guy who lived in another state. We frequently flirted and kept in touch following our initial kiss. My flirting came to a halt when I started dating another boy from my hometown. I continued to date this local boy for approximately four years. While I was in a relationship with Boy 2, Boy 1 continued to stay in contact with me. I wanted to be his friend but he obviously wanted more, or so it seemed. He continued to flirt with me so much that I felt uncomfortable and took the passive aggressive route by ignoring his texts, etc. For the past few months I have felt confused about my relationship with Boy 2; although I love him and can picture myself marrying him, I feel like I might need some time to gain my own independence, if that makes sense. He is the only serious boyfriend I’ve ever had and I feel like because of that and because we got so serious at a such a young age, we might need to take time apart to reflect, etc. We are attempting to go on a break. I must also confess that I recently started to flirt with Boy 1 again; we talk every day. The plot now thickens because Boy 1 has a girlfriend and the other day when I asked him how long they’ve been together he claims that he doesn’t know because they never set a date? I know that they’ve been together for at least a year though. He also said something to the extent of “things aren’t really ever great with her and I constantly wonder why I’m even involved.” Anyway, I know he used to really like me, continued to like me while I was with Boy 2, and says that even though he has a girlfriend now, he still likes me. I recently asked him what the point of us flirting/doing whatever it is that we’re doing and he said, “with the hope that someday soon we will be near each other”. So, hm. A few days ago I saw this boy, we hung out, had dinner and hooked up (some kissing and touching here and there). I feel very bad because he has a girlfriend and it sucks that he is okay with cheating on her but then I try to rationalize his behavior because I know he has liked me for the past four years or so. It’s not that I want to be in a relationship with him, seeing as I am trying to exist without a boyfriend right now, but I don’t particularly like flirting with a taken guy. Soooo basically I don’t know what to do. I am totally crushing on this boy but eh? Thoughts?

    December 18, 2009 at 3:56 am #10825
    Anonymous
    Participant

    You know what you are doing is wrong. Don’t be a cheater and don’t date a cheater. He cheated on her with you and statistics show that he will cheat on you as well. I know that you are in the process of a break from boy 2. But the question is- if Boy 1 was gone would you be trying to go on a break with boy 2. Most of the time the grass is not greener. How about this, you go on a break and tell boy 1 that you really like him but you don’t feel right about cheating. So is boy 1 worth giving up boy 2 for and is boy 1 willing to break up his girlfriend to be with you? You’ve tested the water, you and boy 1 obviously have chemistry so just decide if do you want to be sneaking around and risk the chance of getting caught or do you want to try to make things work with boy 2. Do you really want to start up a new relationship while leaving another one? You may want to leave your options open. Who knows there could always be a boy 3 out there that is perfect for you that doesn’t have a girlfriend.

    My advice is to try to take a break from both boys. Be alone, clear your head. Think about what you really want.

    December 21, 2009 at 12:12 pm #13033
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    It seems like you’re keeping your boyfriend in another state “on the side” for emotional security. Your day to day life is up in the air, since you’re not sure whether you want to be in a relationship with your daily boyfriend, take a break from him, marry him, or break up with him. Your out of state boyfriend is someone who makes you feel safe and secure emotionally when a large part of you is uncertain and insecure.

    My advice to you is to ease up on yourself. Don’t feel that you have to make any decisions, and understand that right now, life is fluid. When you decide you’re ready to marry or be in one monogamous relationship, you have lots of choices in how you behave. If at that time you don’t want to date a boy who has a girlfriend, “No” works really well! 😉 You can choose not to go out with a guy who’s dating another women or many other women if you don’t want to. The ball is totally in your court, and you have ultimate control over your own behavior. Crushing on boys is one thing — but living your life by the standards you choose to set for yourself determines your life.

    But for now, it seems like you’re trying to get to know yourself better, and to figure out what you want in a relationship and in a man. Allow yourself to date lots of different men to figure this out, and don’t get too committed to any one man until you know what you want and you’re ready to go for it.

    I hope that helps! 🙂

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