Boyfriend Troubles

Hi April (and anyone else who wants to help! 😛),
I’m having troubles with my boyfriend of 10 months. Before I tell you anything, I’ll give you some background information: we’re five years apart. He’s 24, I’m 19. He just graduated college with a master’s degree; I’m in my second year. This is my first real, serious relationship. I’ve had relationships, but they were never long or serious. As weird as it sounds, I’ve always preferred being single–I just thought it was easier and more fun. I really enjoyed the freedom.
I’ve been having a few issues lately–first with our age difference. I feel like he’s thinking more about the future than I am; he’s out of college, has a job, and at that age where marriage is on the horizon. I’m still in college, never had a serious relationship before, and kind of a commitment-phobe. The difference in our ages never bothered me before. In fact, when we first started dating, he had a slight problem with it. My parents are 10 years apart, so big age differences never really bothered me. Even now, when I joke about it (“When you were a senior in high school, I was in 7th grade!”) he gets a little creeped out. But now, I’m starting to notice differences in our mentalities. I think he’s a lot more committed and serious about me than I am about him, and it’s starting to overwhelm me. Don’t get me wrong–I love him, I really do. That’s what makes this hard. But he’s always talking about how much he loves me, how he couldn’t bear to lose me, and how wonderful I am and it just feels like a lot of pressure.
I think what really brought on all these feelings was the family vacation that we went on–his family brought me to Hawaii with them. He doesn’t really have a relationship with his brother–they hate each other–so it was really awkward and uncomfortable. So because of all that negativity, he latched on to a really positive relationship he has–mine. He became really clingy and needy, and it was overwhelming, awkward, and embarrassing. He was always cuddling with me and kissing me and such around his family, and despite the numerous times I told him I felt weird and awkward doing that, he couldn’t stop himself from clinging on to me until he found out that his brother was texting his friends about it (“they act like newlyweds;” “I don’t know what’s wrong with her, but any other girl would be really overwhelmed by all that”). Dealing with that 24/7 for a week straight, and with his brother’s mean attitude towards him, and the awkward situations that that brought on really put a strain on my end of the relationship. I became really homesick and I itched to get away from all of them, even him.
Not to mention the fact that, a little before this vacation, I felt myself becoming bored. I missed the cat-and-mouse game that comes with the beginning of a relationship and the excitement of it all. I knew that the excitement wouldn’t last forever–it ended awhile ago. But it’s only started to bother me lately, and I don’t know why. Where he lives/where I go to school, there’s not much to do, and we’re kind of homebodies, so we usually hang out around his house, watch movies and drink tea together. We go on dates occasionally–but it’s nothing fancy or active. Just dinner dates. Most of the time, when we go out to eat, it’s with his mom and sister. So it’s not really a date, but it’s nice to hang out with them (once in a while–I’ve now learned that a week straight is a little too much for me! 😛). I know I should try to find a hobby with him or something, but I really don’t have any ideas. Since this is my first relationship and all, I don’t really know how to handle the boredom that I’m sure most couples go through. I’ve asked friends who are in relationships, and my sister, who’s also in a committed relationship, but I haven’t really gotten any satisfying answers.
I mentioned before that I prefer being single to being in a relationship–I do. I feel like that part of me, the part that loves the freedom of being single, is starting to rear its head after being dormant for so long…and I don’t know how to handle it. I haven’t cheated or anything, but I have been checking out guys. I know I’m allowed to look, but I still feel guilty doing it so much because I know that if he were the one doing it and I found out, I’d be upset. I just feel like, my youth, my need to be free, and my boredom combined are making me question things between us and this scares me–I never have before, and I never thought I would. I feel like I should be exploring my options–not staying tied down.
Because he’s wonderful. He has his issues (everyone does), but he treats me so nicely. Nicer than I’ve ever been treated. And I love him. I lost my virginity to him. He’s a big part of my life. He makes me feel beautiful, wonderful, like I can do anything. He’s my best friend, my confidant–we’re so alike on so many levels. It’s like we can read each other’s minds. I’ve never had a connection like the one I do with him before. He was the one who broke down all the guards I’ve put up like they weren’t even there. We used to say all the time that we have something that’s a once-in-a-lifetime thing, that some people don’t ever achieve and everybody wants. When we’re together, it feels like everything fits together. Our bodies, our souls, our lives.
But now I’m having all these doubts and I’m not sure if we fit as well as we used to anymore. Or if there’s someone out there who might fit better with me than he does. And I feel terrible because I know he’s not having any of these doubts, and he loves me so much, and it would absolutely kill him if he knew I was having any of these thoughts. But, even though I’m having these doubts, I also keep feeling like these feelings I’m having are stupid; that there’s nobody out there better for me than him, and as soon as it ends, I’ll realize that I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.
Some people have suggested taking a break and each of us taking alone-time. But we can’t do that because he has trust issues (his first serious girlfriend cheated on him three times before he ended it with her), and it’s not that he doesn’t trust me; but if I ask for a break, or break up with him and then we get back together, his trust in me will be “broken;” he’ll be living in fear that I’ll do it again, and it wouldn’t be working anymore on his end. (We’ve talked about this kind of thing before; in discussions about what we believe in in terms of relationships.)
So, in conclusion, I just don’t know what to do. I have a boyfriend who treats me the way I deserve to be treated, who I’ve been 100% happy with until lately…and now I’m just completely confused. Should I act on these feelings or is there a way to get rid of them? Please help! I don’t want to end up one of those people singing about how “you don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.”
Thank you so much. I know this was a lot to read, and I appreciate your help.