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April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › Judged

Judged

April Masini › Relationship Advice Forum › Relationship Advice Forum › Judged

Viewing 6 posts - 1 through 6 (of 6 total)
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  • January 10, 2012 at 7:10 pm #4834
    jdawg
    Participant

    Hey, Im quite shocked as to the way my gf of 4 years acted thisafternoon. We were lying in my room looking at a calendar I have of girls on my wall. I mentioned “it would be awesome if i took some pics and made a calendar of you, it would be better than that one” (referring to the one on my wall). It was more of an idea, one which I would not follow through with anyways cos i couldnt be bothered making one lol, and i wouldnt want my mates to see a calendar of my gf in lingerie. Basically though, she flipped out calling me a freak and a weirdo. Full blowing up. I think this was a harsh reaction. Is it that strange i mentioned it? I would have thought she’d be more flattered than shocked. Is it that freakish? That the idea of several hot pics of my gf do it for me? So we fought about it and she walked out so we are giving each other the silent atm. The worst part is she has told me several things over the years that i think are wierd or different. But i have never blown up at her or judged her because every one has their own thoughts and im a very understanding and accepting guy. Is what i said wrong?

    January 11, 2012 at 12:30 pm #21897
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    I don’t think that what you said was wrong, but clearly you hit a nerve with her. Unless she’s very prim and proper, which I doubt since she’s dating you of the lingerie-clad girlfriend calendar 😆 , something else is going on. The silent treatment isn’t very productive, so my advice is to break [i]your [/i]silence and apologize for upsetting her and tell her you miss her and would like to hear from her.

    Then, decide how important that calendar of your old girlfriends on the wall is, and if it’s not that important to you, toss it as a peace offering.

    Pick your battles wisely. 😀

    Let me know if that helps. And please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url]. 😀

    January 11, 2012 at 8:18 pm #21928
    jdawg
    Participant

    Thanks, however I received the poster after buying a case of alcohol, it was a promotional one, not one I received from an old girlfriend.

    Secondly, my stubborness will show here, but I dont feel I should apologise when shes the one who flipped out and was harsh and unaccepting of an idea of mine. Im completely fine that she wasnt up for it, but to flip out like she did is strange, and after being together for 4 yrs, i have never seen a reaction like this one. Im very open minded as you can probs tell, she isnt. But I feel she needs to change her attitude to atleast be understanding of my ideas. After all, she has told me things i think a weird and I have reacted nanchalantly. I guess I just expect the same and because she hasnt, I am annoyed at her. Im not happy with her reaction at all and want to show her that it is unacceptable to judge my ideas like she did. Is that unfair? Its clear we are both still trying to set ground rules because we have been talking about the future a lot and if she is the girl im going to spend the rest of my life with, i dont think its unreasonable for her to have some respect for any ideas or opinions i have. not just sexually, but in general.

    January 12, 2012 at 4:48 pm #21896
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    [quote] Is that unfair?[/quote]

    [i]She’ll[/i] think it’s unfair. And frankly, you’re using words like “judged” and “fair” and “unfair” and “right or wrong” as if you were in a courtroom or a morality play. 😕 You’re not. This is a [i]relationship[/i]. It requires compromise, understanding, patience and empathy. If you draw a line in the sand, make sure that it’s really a battle worth fighting. I don’t think this is. I think you’re making a mountain out of a molehill.

    You’ve been dating for four years and you’re talking about spending your life with her. This isn’t the way to prolong the relationship or foster intimacy. And it would be a shame to spend much more time on the fact that she flipped out over your request to pose in lingerie. Humor will go a lot farther in this situation then being stubborn. 😉

    Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url]. 😀

    January 12, 2012 at 5:58 pm #21936
    jdawg
    Participant

    Hmmm i see where you’re coming from. I guess I just feel like I have to do a little extra in the relationship than she does. Like i said before, i feel im more accepting of her ideas than she is of mine, i feel if we fight im always the one who has to initiate moving forward. Its annoying. It would be nice if she could too! It feels as though she thinks cos im the guy i have to do more. Id like more equality so i guess im taking what happened the other day further then i needed to try and show her. Yes we should have laughed it off, but her reaction to me was mean and something ive never seen before. Why cant she be the one comin to talk to me to sort it out? Its annoying! My mates complain about their gf’s doing the same thing haha. Maybe its a woman thing. Ah well you allowed me to see the humour behind all of it so cheers, will have a chat with her later

    January 12, 2012 at 8:48 pm #21976
    April Masini
    Keymaster

    Equal is different from equivalent. The former is exactly the same. The latter is about the same when everything else sorts itself out. Equivalent is the best you can hope for — equal never happens because men and women are different.

    It sounds, now, like this last incident was the straw that broke the camel’s back — in other words, this isn’t an isolated incident and you’re feeling generally put upon. If you begin to feel that you’re being leaned on too much, you’re going to become resentful and start to lash out at little things that aren’t what you really mean to be lashing out at. 😉 That’s what happened here. Couples fight about who takes out the garbage all the time — and it’s NEVER about the garbage. ❗

    So, either you find the humor or you realize that there are other places in the relationship where you lean on her and she carries the weight. Compromise and deal making are really great tools for long term relationships. If she thinks you’re always leaving your clothes on the floor, maybe she can laugh it off because she knows that you do so much for her in other arenas. Get it? 🙂 (I think you do.)

    As for her being mean — I’d call her on that one, and explain that there are lots of times when the two of you don’t agree, but it’s not a great idea to resort to nastiness. It breeds. 😕

    Please follow me @AskAprilcom on Twitter and on Facebook at this link: [url]http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1154528031[/url].

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